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It would take an entire book in itself to touch on every different communication style. If you Google different communication personality types, you’ll find a range of categories you can fall into that vary based on the system used or who came up with it. However, there are a few things that affect assertive communication in your marriage. They can also influence your communication style so it’s important to understand what they are when trying to communicate with your spouse clearly.

5 Ways to Strengthen Assertive Communication in Your Marriage

In this article:

1. Compliant and Non-Compliant
2. Communicate intentionally and often
3. Provide a safe place for a compliant spouse
4. Compliant spouse – Speak up!
5. Talk about your marriage
6. Learn your spouse’s cues

Compliant and Non-Compliant

Some people are people pleasers. Their main goal is to avoid conflict. They want to do what they can to make and keep others happy. They rarely utlize assertive communication skills. These people are more compliant with others around them. Others are not. They don’t mind confrontation. They don’t hesitate in speaking their minds, and their opinion can come regardless of how the other person feels.

Most people don’t fall at the extreme ends of the spectrum and their traits will lie somewhere in the middle, but whether you are opposites or two of the same, the personality types can cause balance when they work, and challenges when they don’t.

When you have a marriage with someone who aims to please and someone who does not, the compliant spouse may go along to keep the peace. If the non-compliant spouse is not adept at reading the other spouse’s signals, and the compliant spouse doesn’t get skilled speaking up, the more assertive spouse will more often than not get his or her way. The compliant spouse doesn’t speak up; meanwhile, the other spouse thinks that everything is great and running smoothly.

This type of set up can breed resentment in both the compliant spouse and the non-compliant spouse. Sometimes the compliant spouse may hold it all in until she blows up, confusing the one on the receiving end. If you fall into this category, there are a few things you need to remember to keep communication running smoothly:

Communicate intentionally and often

This is important if one person in the relationship is more hesitant to speak his or her mind. Assertive communication takes practice. So, giving your spouse consistent time and a safe space to communicate is important. This ensures that his voice is not only heard but given equal weight.

Providing a safe space for the compliant spouse

The pleaser’s main hesitation is the possibility of confrontation. Make sure if you’re on the non-pleasing side that you are able to hear and listen without interrupting. Additionally, provide a comfortable space for your spouse to express him or herself. Don’t assume everything is fine and don’t make the complaint spouse feel like he or she is shot down for having opinions.

Compliant spouse—speak up

You are not being fair to the other person by not being open. Making your voice heard is a part of being honest. Omitting information isn’t far away from telling a lie. Your marriage needs your voice, so make sure you use it. Assertive communication doesn’t have to be aggressive. It just has to be.

But what if your personalities don’t lie on opposite ends? What if you’re both the same? If you are both compliant, you have a tendency to shy away from the issues. Problems in the marriage may not be confronted or resolved at all if you don’t communicate often.

Regularly take time talk about your marriage

You may want to have a few focus areas that you touch on regularly since it might not be natural to talk about conflict immediately.

https://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/11/TNMCoupleTalkSeriousListen-dating-a-non-christian-292x196.jpg 292w, https://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/11/TNMCoupleTalkSeriousListen-dating-a-non-christian-388x260.jpg 388w" alt="Always Preaching—Not Listening | Christian Men Reveal Their 12 Reasons Why They Don't Date or Marry Christian Women; Part 2, assertive communication" width="625" height="419" />

Learn to read each other’s cues

Over time, it becomes easier to tell when your partner isn’t spilling what is on her mind. If she looks like she’s holding back, ask. Understand that holding it in is only hurting your marriage. Maybe it seems that keeping things conflict-free is always the solution, but if you aren’t advocating for yourself, you stop advocating for your marriage.

Don’t be afraid to face the conflict. Disagreements are a natural part of any relationship and are necessary for relationship growth. And what if neither of you is compliant? The challenge for two non-pleasers won’t be that you have difficulty saying what’s on your mind. Your challenge when the systems go awry is that you will have a more difficult time coming to an agreement. You may have to put in a little more work to agree and will benefit from conflict management. The following tips will be
important to you in being able to communicate with each other without fighting:

• Know who you are and be honest about it – Some people are clear that they are assertive when it comes to getting their way; others aren’t as clear on where they stand. Once you know that you both share similar traits when it comes to being non-pleasers, it will be easier to manage your communications challenges.
• Know that sometimes, one of you will have to submit – Ideally, every disagreement would be solved by each spouse coming to a mutually agreeable solution that leaves everyone equally happy. But this is the real world. At times compromise will take more on the part of one person. There will be points where one of you may have to give up a little more to get along.

Communication is at the heart of everything we do in marriage. Whether it’s through daily interactions or through managing disagreements, our successes and failures in marriage hinge upon what and how we’re communicating to our spouses with our words and our actions.

BMWK, are you using assertive communication to keep your marriage flowing positively? 

Source: https://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/

I wish we lived in a world where everyone is happily married, but in real life, I know that is far from true. Many people are unhappily married and the reasons why are plentiful. Some unhappy marriages can turn into happy ones if both parties are willing to put in the work. Others will fail even if measures are taken to save what once was. Sadly, in some cases, divorce is imminent.

Whether you believe life is complicated, or simply that people complicate life, one fact remains true: Determining what to do about a failing marriage is never simple. A decision about ending a marriage that you hoped would last your whole life is complicated stuff.

6 Critical Questions to Ask Before You Think About Divorce

In this article:

1. How was our relationship before marriage
2. Am I in danger?
3. Is there unresolved hurt?
4. Am I struggling with forgiveness?
5. Would my life be better if we’re apart?
6. Am I staying only for the kids?

So what makes a marriage bad? There is no way to answer this because it’s such a personal matter. Some marriages are bad because they were never right to begin with. Some turn bad because a painful experience wasn’t managed well.

And then, of course, you have issues like mistrust, infidelity, financial problems, loss of passion, and growing apart. There is a long list of issues that can leave someone feeling like the marriage they have is just not what they want for their life anymore.

The toughest question to answer is, what do I do about my bad marriage?  Because, the final decision is never easy. Should you walk away from your marriage? Do you need a break? Will therapy help? What about prayer? So many things to consider, so many options to choose from. Indeed, feeling like you’re in a bad marriage can be quite complicated.

I firmly believe that so many people walk away from marriages without really trying to work things out. Now, it’s that you should stay no matter what because I do not believe that’s true. I take marriage vows very seriously, but I also realize that some relationships just won’t last—no matter what.

So if you are in what you consider a bad marriage, here are a few critical questions you should ponder before you decide to leave or stay. The answers to these questions can help you truly determine what your next step should be.

1. Was our relationship a happy and healthy union prior to marriage?

Many marriages get off to a bad start and it’s often because the marriage never should have occurred. It’s a sad truth that people get married for the wrong reasons all the time. So ask yourself what your relationship looked like prior to marriage.

If it was always a challenge, maybe your problem lies in the fact that you married the wrong person. However, if you can remember being really happy together, and in a really healthy place, maybe what you have is worth holding on to if you seek the right help.

2. Am I in danger?

If you truly believe staying with your partner puts you and your children in danger, you have to remember that your safety comes first. Never compromise your safety in the name of love. If you need help with leaving an unsafe situation contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE.

3. Is there a painful experience we never worked through?

Maybe one of you lost a loved one, maybe you experienced a miscarriage together, or maybe you are dealing with infidelity. And these are just some of the painful experiences couples go through together.

Ask yourself if you can think of a painful experience that truly left a lasting imprint on your marriage, and things just haven’t been the same since. Marriages can deteriorate over time when something painful happens and the pain behind it is never addressed or managed. Ignoring pain doesn’t make it go away; it simply allows the pain to linger and grow.

4. Am I struggling with forgiveness?

We’ve heard it time and time again, yet so many of us refuse to embrace the undeniable truth: Forgiveness is not about the person who wronged you; it’s about YOU. Are you unable to forgive your spouse for something? Are the pain and resentment associated with it eating away at you? You have to show yourself some tenderness and develop the ability to forgive.

Things may seem bad in your marriage, but if the inability to forgive is at the root of it, please know that being unable to forgive will leave you damaged whether you stay with your spouse or not.

5. Do I truly think my life would be better without my spouse?

This is a simple question, but the answer can offer a whole lot of insight and direction. Give it some serious thought before you make any decisions about your union.

6. Am I only thinking about staying because of the kids?

Kids are incredibly intuitive and staying in an unhappy marriage only because you think it’s best for the kids just won’t turn out well. What’s best for your kids is to have happy, healthy parents.

BMWK family, what questions do you think should be asked before staying in a bad marriage?

Source: https://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/

I usually receive really honest feedback from the articles I write for BMWK. I respond whenever I receive one of those “how can this help me now” comments from someone who thinks divorce is their only choice. When your marriage is in trouble, divorce is the nuclear option but there are many questions that should be asked before you hit that button.

Ask these 20 Questions When Your Marriage is in Trouble

In this article:

1. The importance of a self-check
2. Ask these 20 questions first

I usually ask: do they both want a divorce and what have they tried already to save their marriage? They’re important questions because sometimes couples don’t want a divorce, they just can’t think of other options.

The importance of a self-check

What I’ve learned in my own marriage and in coaching other couples is, there is always a point or an action right before the marriage takes a turn for the worse.

Sometimes couples can catch it; other times, couples see it but continue to head down the path of relationship destruction because they don’t quite know how to get back on track.

Make another attempt to return to the course. Whether you’ve reached that point in your journey or have passed it, I’m imploring you to give your marriage a chance.

What I’m asking of you will call for strength, patience and an emotionally-draining discussion(s) with your spouse.

So prior to having any conversation about the challenges in your relationship, you must prepare yourself beforehand.

Do a self-check first. Then, decide what you’d like the outcome of the talk to be. Next, consider what role you contributed to arriving in this place and what changes you are willing to make to improve the marriage.

It’s Time For 20 Questions

Once you’ve done that and are ready to have this discussion with your partner, here are some questions you may want to ask your spouse:

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1. Are you happy? Why or Why Not?
2. Can we pray over our marriage?
3. When do you think our marriage changed?
4. Why do you think our marriage changed?
5. How do you think we arrived here?
6. Am I the spouse you thought I’d be? Why or why not?
7. Have I changed in your opinion? If so, what do you think has changed most?
8. Do you think you’ve changed? If so, what do you think has changed most?
9. Do you think enough sacrifices are being made from both of us? Why or why not?
10. What sacrifices do you think I’ve made for the marriage?
11. Are there sacrifices do you think you’ve made for the marriage?
12. What vision did you have for our marriage?
13. What do you think is preventing that vision from happening?
14. How have I played a role in us being in this space?
15. What role do you think you play in us being in this space?
16. Do you still want this marriage, why or why not?
17. Are you willing to help me in fighting for our marriage?
18. Have we done everything possible to save our marriage?
19. Divorce isn’t the only option for our marriage, what solutions do you think we can come up with together to get back to our happy place?
20. What are you willing to do to help save us?

Naturally, these 20 questions are just the beginning of the journey to get your marriage back on track. Find and use resources by professionals and organizations that specialize in coaching and counseling troubled couples. If your marriage is in trouble, don’t let it be one of the statistics. Fight for it and encourage your spouse to do the same.

BMWK: what additional questions do you think couples should ask to help save their marriage?

Source: https://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/

You might be thinking your spouse doesn’t like being questioned. The truth is, not very many of us do. Each individual has their own communication style,including the way they listen, respond and process information. The majority of us have trouble processing information that arrives via nagging, negative energy or even too many questions.

10 Very Specific Questions to Ask Your Spouse

1. 1. Delivery is important
   2. Questions to ask often

One of the negative ideas I usually coach couples on avoiding, is nagging. Putting pressure on your spouse to communicate with you more, share what they are feeling, or even the handling of the household responsibilities could be overwhelming to both of you. Although we desire for the things in our marriage to be exactly as we planned, it won’t always work out exactly that way. Occasionally, when we bring certain tasks to our spouse, we may not receive our desired result.

Delivery is important

It’s usually in the delivery and type of wording being used. The ask is often in the negative.

• “Can’t you clean up after yourself”?”
• “Why won’t you communicate with me?”
• “Why didn’t you share that with me?”

Of course, we’re asking these questions, as negative as they may be, to gain a better understanding of our spouse. But when an idea is presented to most people in this mode of delivery, they automatically become defensive and fight back. The answer will usually include “because you always…” At that point, the conversation takes a turn for the worse and the couple is off track.

Questions to ask often

In order to stay on track, more often, we should continue to question our spouse. However, there is a certain way and specific questions we should be asking our spouse, pretty often. Here are a few:

1. Are you happy?
2. What do you need?
3. What is needed to make this the best marriage possible?
4. How can I show I love you even more?
5. What do you love about our marriage?
6. What areas need some improvement in our marriage?
7. How can I be a better spouse/partner to you?
8. What would you like more of in our marriage?
9. How can I support you better?
10. How can I relieve any of the stress or pressure you may be feeling?

Most couples don’t consider the strategy that’s needed to have effective communication. We learn something new when we listen and share. As we communicate with our spouse, we should be listening to gain insight. Every discussion provides an opportunity not only to connect but to also really get to know the person we married. Asking the right questions more often will eliminate most of the negative that surfaces in our relationships.

BMWK, what questions would you add to this list?

Source: https://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/

Marriage is absolutely wonderful.  It’s also incredibly hard.  No matter how much you love your spouse, there will be rough patches—moments that you are struggling to survive.  It’s inevitable.  Any couple that tells you things are always rosy either hasn’t been married very long, or they are lying.

Is Your Marriage Struggling Because You Won’t Let Go?

1. Struggling to hold on
2. All about letting go

Struggling to hold on

When you face challenges in your marriage, there should always be an attempt, by both parties, to make things right.  Maybe you need counseling, or maybe you just need some time, but giving up when things get hard shouldn’t be your impulse.  Efforts to restore things have to be made before you walk away from a commitment you made before God (great efforts).

But once the effort has been made and you both decide that this thing you have is worth fighting for, how does it serve your marriage if you can’t let go of the wrongdoing.  Are you really fighting for your partnership if you continue to relive whatever caused the initial damage?

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I am not implying that working through something as serious as cheating, for instance, is easy.  However, I am saying that if you take the time to work on your marriage and you decide to forgive your spouse (if there is a need for forgiveness depending on what’s going on in your marriage), things will never truly work out if you continue to live in the past.  Your marriage will never be repaired if you aren’t able to let go.

All about letting go

When you can’t let go and you continue to bring up an old grievance, you are simply communicating that you are not over it – that you are still angry and hurt.

There is nothing wrong with being angry and hurt.  It’s a normal emotion. But if you plan to be angry and hurt forever, never truly moving past what happened, your marriage is destined to fail.

Letting go is not easy. It’s very hard to do.  But once you choose to put in the work to improve your marriage, you are also choosing to eventually let go (and by eventually, I don’t mean 3 years later).

This idea of letting go is not just about the big stuff either.  It’s about those everyday things  (the kids, chores, expectations) that can cause a rift in your marriage and work through those things without later bringing them up all the time.

When you are unwilling to let go, it causes just as much damage as an unwillingness to work through your issues in the first place.  They go hand in hand because you really haven’t worked through anything if you are having any lingering emotions that cause you to relive what went wrong. Put in the work, choose to forgive, and let it go.  It’s the only way to strengthen your union.

BMWK: Is there something in your marriage that you need to let go of?

Source: https://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/

We know communication is vital to any relationship. Communication is the heart of the human connection. It can be verbal, or it can be nonverbal. Either way, rest assured, communication exists whether you are saying anything or not. It is the pathway by which we get to know one another better. Our likes and dislikes, joys and sorrows, similarities and differences are all shared through communication. But, it doesn’t happen in a vacuum. There are communication levels that must be considered, especially when it involves intimacy in your relationship.

Practice These 5 Communication Levels to Boost the Intimacy in Your Marriage

In this article:

1. 5 Levels of Intimacy in Communication
2. Intimacy in Communication is Progressive

So how does communication become intimate? Well, there are five communication levels with true intimacy being the fifth level. We move from one level to the next. Once we reach level five we move back and forth at will.

5 Levels of Intimacy in Communication

Level One: Superficial Talk
This includes talking about surface or cosmetic ideas like the weather and the news.

Level Two: Sharing Facts
This includes talking about clear-cut information—things such as I need to go to the garage today. My tire went flat.

Level Three: Stating Opinions
This includes sharing personal opinions. When conversation reaches this level, vulnerability enters the picture.

Level Four: Sharing Feelings
This includes talking about deeper feelings. Vulnerability is now a big part of the communication process. Opening up and sharing your true feeling with another exposes your heart.

Level Five: Sharing Needs
This includes an openness to share even your deepest needs and concerns. Once you reach this level of communication, your heart is open and vulnerable; and it’s okay with you. Here you’re willing to share your hearts desires big and small because you know you’re in a safe place. The two of you are on the same team.

Intimacy in communication is progressive

Intimacy in communication happens over time. This is the main reason couples just starting out spend so much time on the phone. Conversation seems endless and exciting. You can talk to one another for hours. The world is calm and beautiful when you’re in touch with each other.

Communication does take two people being in touch. Every word spoken, every gesture made speaks something to your partner. The way this information is received and reciprocated will determine how quickly you move from one level of communication to the next.

Going from talking about the weather to giving your opinion on a television show to sharing your feeling to sharing your needs and desires—all this is a very vulnerable move into intimacy. When you are vulnerable, your defenses are down because you trust your mate will bring good and not harm. This is the reason for such devastation when you are wounded or hurt.

With broken trust or even hurt feelings, the level of intimacy in communication moves right back to level one and you must start over again. Think about it, when you feel violated by your partner, communication goes back to level one or two. You state facts – the kids need to be picked up. The doctor called. We are out of bread. Restore trust and thus restore the intimate level of communication.

Intimacy in communication is beautiful and needed in strong healthy relationships. It takes two people who are willing to move through the process together. They must be willing. You will see it, and experience the spirit of agreement between you. Once you reach level five, you will never want to go back. It is fulfilling to open yourself up to another and know they have your best interest at heart.

BMWK, where are you in your level of intimacy in communication?

Source: https://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/

Have you wondered, in the heat of a battle, what you were really fighting about? When it comes to conflict in your marriage, it’s not usually the surface issue you’re discussing. The inner work begins the moment you are able to go beneath the surface and uncover what it is that really bothers you about what’s happening.

6 Behaviors to Avoid When Dealing With Conflict in Your Marriage

In this article:

1. The effect of conversations in the raw
2. Avoid these six things
3. How to make your marriage work

The effect of conversations in the raw

Have you ever just wanted to react to your partner without thinking about it first and with no regard to what the results might be, even if you knew better? You’re not alone.

When someone pisses you off, it’s normal for your instincts to kick in and cause you to become defensive and argumentative. But having effective conflict management tools under your belt equips you for the inevitable.

Your wife might drive you crazy, or your husband can get on your very last nerve. It happens to all of us at some point, but how you handle those emotions is paramount to the health of your relationship.

In my frequent conversations about relationships, I often hear a variety of excuses and arguments about what’s going wrong, but something I heard recently stuck with me. Someone admitted that they didn’t know how to fight in their marriage. They purposely hurt one another when they disagree, and it leaves them both wanting to walk away.

This observation was so real, and although I rarely hear it, I found it to be a true statement for so many couples. While I keep bringing up creating marital peace, it isn’t always as easy as it seems.

Avoid these six things

My husband suggests that the best time to make an emotional decision is when you’re not emotional. He says you have to decide, when things are good, how to handle arguments.

It is inevitable that in a relationship you will not always see eye-to-eye on every subject. There will be conflict in your marriage. Half of the battle in overcoming disputes is knowing how to have one in the first place. Again, with peace being the target, there are a few things to avoid when you are experiencing conflict:

• Yelling to get your point across works for no one, ever.
• Shutting down and keeping quiet will prevent you from achieving peace.
• Intentionally saying words that are hurtful can cause more long-term pain than we think.
• Not being fully present, open, or aware of your partner’s thoughts and feelings.
• Not taking responsibility for your part in the conflict.
• Having a closed mind.

How to make your marriage work

In order to make a marriage work, you have to start making decisions that lead to solutions, not create more problems. You have to decide that, when conflicts arise, you will be the water and not the gasoline, completely focused on defusing the situation and creating peace. You must also be clear on what happens as a result of being the gasoline; tempers flare, the conflict grows and can ultimately consume the relationship over time.

I promise that if you take the water route instead, you won’t regret it. You will be doing exactly what is needed to reduce drama and build a healthy partnership. No, it isn’t easy, but, in the end, it does pay off.

BMWK, are you ready to defuse conflict and make your marriage work?

Source: https://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/

How do you know that unresolved pain has taken over and your marriage is suffering? It’s not very difficult. The most important part of making this assessment is the ability for you and your spouse to be completely honest with yourselves.

10 Signs Unresolved Pain is Taking a Toll on Your Marriage

In this article:

1. How unresolved pain shows up
2. 10 signs unresolved pain is taking over your marriage

How unresolved pain shows up

A couple needs to acknowledge not just how they feel about the pain they are experiencing, but how their feelings are being manifested in their behavior.

Another problem that many couples face is the gap that exists between how your spouse really feels, and how you think your spouse feels. Managing pain is a very unique experience, and unless someone tells you where he or she is in the process, you truly cannot determine where that person stands based on his or her behavior.

Although painful experiences seem to show up out of nowhere and slap you in the face, they actually do more than that. They find a way to become a part of your being, and then the pain settles in and becomes a part of the fabric of your marriage. How can you tell this is happening?

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10 signs unresolved pain is taking over your marriage

Here are a few signs that the pain is taking a serious toll and your marriage is suffering because of it.

1. The pain is the first thing on your mind in the morning and the last thing on your mind before bed.
2. You find yourself annoyed with your spouse because of how he or she is managing the pain.
3. You feel like your spouse is distant and is not supporting you during your time of need.
4. It’s beginning to feel like the pain will always be there.
5. You can’t recall the last time you had a joyful experience with your spouse.
6. It feels like your marriage is “falling apart.”
7. The idea of working through the pain is starting to feel like too much.
8. You are angry with your spouse.
9. You are angry with yourself.
10. Depression symptoms have become more evident in either you or your spouse.

If any of the items listed above ring true for you, it means that your marriage is suffering as a result of a painful experience, or maybe even more than one painful experience. Acknowledging that this damage is taking place is half of the battle. The other half, of course, is determining what you can do to repair the damage and develop the skills you and your spouse need to strengthen your marriage and not only get back to where you were but become a stronger unit than you’ve ever been.

BMWK, are you ready to acknowledge if your marriage is suffering?

Source: https://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/

In a recent article, I offered up five ways a wife can show respect to her husband. Well, now, it’s the men’s turn. As it stands, respect is a two-way street. However, the respect from man to woman has somewhat of a different feel. As previously quoted from Ephesians 5:33, a husband “must love his wife as he loves himself.” When you say to a man “respect your wife,” you’re asking him to bring Ephesians 5:33 alive. Ultimately, that love shows up in a variety of ways. As Aretha might say, here are five ways to R-E-S-P-E-C-T your wife:

Husbands: 5 Ways to R-E-S-P-E-C-T Your Wife

In this article:

1. Lead her up
2. Size her up
3. Build her up
4. Talk her up
5. Pray her up

Lead her up

One of the most important ways to lead your wife in a relationship is to humble out when you’re wrong. The popular belief that admitting one’s fault is a sign of weakness is absolutely not true. Personally, I count it as a strength of character when a person in authority can own up to his or her mistakes and humble out. Similarly in marriage, when you humble yourself and admit your mistakes to your wife, you convey how much you respect her.

When the head of the family honestly and willingly takes responsibility for his mistakes, whether done intentionally or not, he demonstrates how much he values and respects his relationship with his wife.

Size her up

What wife doesn’t like to be gawked at by her husband? A great sign of respect to a woman is when her man appreciates her sexy. Making your wife feel admired for her appearance is a way to demonstrate respect. In an odd way, you further solidify the trust in your marriage as she sees your admiration as a contributing fact to your fidelity. She feels you only have eyes for her because your actions say so. You make her feel adored, secured and respected and even more so in public places.

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Build her up

Paying full attention to what your wife has to say and putting away any form of distraction during a meaningful conversation with her shows how important what she has to say means to you. If you respect her, you will also try not to cut her off during conversations. You will give her room to express her thoughts. This ensures her that you understand her and respect her opinions, ideas, thoughts, and feelings.

Additionally, making time for your wife consistently no matter how busy your schedule shows that she comes first, everything else is secondary. This action backs up your words of how much you love and cherish her as commanded by God. By taking the time to build her up as a priority in your relationship, you effectively strengthen the bond you formed when you said: “I do.”

Talk her up

There are times in a marriage when misunderstandings arise and the temptation to say nasty things about her behavior is strong. But speaking ill of her in the presence of family members, friends, or acquaintances is great sign of disrespect. It doesn’t matter if it was done in her absence. Complaining and making bad jokes about her simply shows how low you place her. No matter the level of misunderstanding you have, public affirmation of your wife depicts her importance to you and your respect for her.

Pray her up

This is simple. Your wife needs your prayers. She needs you to fight for her spiritually because yes, she gets weary. Take her dreams, her fears, her wants, and her needs to God on her behalf. Your relationship will grow so much stronger because there is a respect she will feel knowing you don’t see her as weak and needy, but human. When you have given her everything you have to give, prayer lets her know you respect her enough to give her even more.

There’s no doubt that the respect a man has for his wife is tied up in how much he loves her. Still, according to Ephesians 5:33, that’s exactly what God intended.

BMWK husbands, are you ready to respect your wife?

Source: https://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/

I’ve written in the past about not letting divorce enter any portion of your marriage. Some of the best marriage advice I’ve ever heard is it should never be spoken, used as a threat, or even joked about.  That is key to having a lasting marriage.

But what happens when you’ve done that, and you don’t like it?  Or, you don’t like your spouse?  Is saying no to divorce and staying together worth it?

Best Marriage Advice: How to Stay in Love in Your Marriage

In this article:

1. Not just your significant other
2. Is your spouse your best friend?
3. All about action
4. Protect the time with your spouse
5. Staying married is not enough

Your spouse is not (just) your significant other

When I speak of my wife to other people, I often refer to her as “my wife.”  Even to friends and family who know her personally.  Yes, she has a name.  However, there is one person in this entire world that can call her “my wife.”  That person is me.

When you are married you have a special relationship that goes beyond anything or anyone.  She should not be your #1, but a close #2 (before you jump to conclusions and think I’m contradicting myself, please read the post to that link).

This relationship is not one to be taken lightly, there is no ‘upgrading’, or just changing my mind.  She is more than a significant other, as I’ve had many of those in the past.  She is my wife,  for life.  This mindset sets the table for much of our relationship.

If your spouse is not your best friend, why not?

The Bible teaches us that when we marry we become one.  You can get no closer than that.   That means your spouse is the one you share your most intimate thoughts, concerns, and experiences.  Friendship is a building block for strong marriages.

If you have adopted the mindset that this relationship, your marriage, is for life,  then why not spend it with someone you actually like and want to spend time with?  Relationships develop over time.  Time talking, time doing things, time disagreeing, time-solving problems, and time experiencing life.  Intentionally devote time to your best friend.

Staying in love is all about action

You may have heard the quote, “love is an action word.”  That is true, and that is how you stay in love.  You take actions that show you love your spouse.   Learn his/her love language, and speak it, often.  Make sure God is the head of your marriage.

Expect challenges and commit to “growing” through them together.  Add some domestic sexy to your marriage.   One of the best things you can do is to find things that you enjoy and do them, just you and your spouse.  Date your spouse regularly.

Protect the time with your spouse

I have been guilty of allowing things to take the time that should be spent with my wife.  These things have been our kid’s activities, work, and the game on TV, to name a few.  This realization scared me.  I began to think about how life would be in the future when these same “distractions” are no longer around.  If we haven’t been dating and spending alone time all these years, why would we do it later?

I envisioned me sitting in one room, her in another, and both of us doing nothing.  That scared the mess out of me!  It encouraged me to protect our time, like nothing else.  It is crucial!  I encourage you to do the same.  Do not let anything, except God, come between you and your spouse’s time.

Staying married is not enough

I applaud those who’ve refused to let divorce anywhere in their marriage.  It is no easy thing today, where more marriages end in divorce than end like the wedding vows say, “til death do you part.”  But there is more to it than that.  Be intentional about spending time getting to know one another and growing a life-long best friend relationship.  That is the way to not just stay in your marriage, but to stay in Love!

BMWK: What are you doing to stay in LOVE with your spouse?  And what are you doing to make sure your spouse stays in LOVE with you?

Source: https://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/

To many people, this article may seem pointless. On its face, it seeks to deliver information that seems obvious. Love yourself. Okay. Yeah. But if you think about it, how many of us really take those words to heart. We get so caught up in the hustle and bustle of life that we give lip service to the very thing that makes life rich. Self-love is essential to a productive, happy existence. It’s the thing that keeps us dry when the rain comes pouring down. Now, imagine entering a life-long union with someone who fails to adhere to this principle. There are so many instances where marriage can go sideways if either spouse neglects personal care. Well, not to worry. We’re here to help.

5 Ways to Love Yourself So You Can Truly Love Your Spouse

In this article:

1. The mind is a terrible thing to waste.
2. Keep your heart beating for the one you love.
3. Relationships matter. Oh, and relationships matter.
4. Learn to embrace dirty dishes, dirty clothes, and dirty hair.
5. Stay prayed up to nourish your spirit.

Not everyone will agree with what I’m about to share. To love yourself means different things to different people. I’m cool with that. What is undeniable to everyone, however, is that it is vital to our existence. It’s interesting. Often times as single people, we know how to take care of ourselves. We’re on the hunt…or we’re willing prey. But if we’ve been caught, we become all about our partners. We neglect some of the very things that lead them to us in the first place.

If you’ve noticed that your relationship is getting stale, it might be time to turn back the clock. Take a good hard look in the mirror and resolve to love yourself as you once did. The following five suggestions are mine. However, I’d be interested to hear what any of our readers have to say.

The mind is a terrible thing to waste

The mind is a powerful tool. But, like any tool, it needs to be properly maintained to fully function. The person you were at 18 will never understand the person you are at 30. The single you won’t get the married you. There’s a reason for that. Without effort, your thinking expands. With effort, your mind grows.

Growth is a natural part of a fully functioning relationship. There’s no greater respect you can show your spouse than the ability to open your mind. When you take the time to learn new things or enhance old ones, like a language or a skill, you’re saying to your spouse that you are willing to mature. When the mind grows, so does your level of communication. This means that your ability to see things from different viewpoints also develops. You can then love your spouse with a strength of mind which then serves to strengthen your marriage.

Keep your heart beating for the one you love

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With new love comes butterflies and sweaty palms. It’s thrilling to feel the heat rise to your face every time your loved one looks at you. Chances are you’re eating right, exercising, and making sure you’re as attractive as possible. After marriage, this shouldn’t change for the worse, but for the better. Putting effort into your physical fitness communicates to your partner that you want to be around to love them for as long as you are able. Taking care of your body helps you feel good and stay healthy on the inside while you glow on the outside. It’s a good look on you and a proud look on your spouse.

Relationships matter. Oh, and relationships matter.

I’m not trying to beat a dead horse, but when you love yourself, relationships matter. The love between you and your spouse cannot be replaced. But, it can’t be the only love you get. It can be easy to get lost in your spouse and shut out the world. However, when things between you and your spouse don’t click, your world will come crumbling down. Your mental health is not something you should take for granted.

All your girlfriends or your boys you once hung out with are necessary to keep you mentally fit and keep your love for your spouse thriving. Time alone with your children deepens your bond as a parent. Serving your parents or elders gives you the wisdom needed to live life well. Sometimes, even scheduling time with a therapist will be needed to “woosah” your way through some rough patches. Foster great relationships so you can handle whatever gets thrown at your love.

Learn to embrace dirty dishes, dirty clothes, and dirty hair

You read me right. No one, no spouse, no marriage is perfect. Sometimes, when times get crazy, make it okay to not wash the dishes one night. Or, maybe delay doing the laundry a couple of days. If you have to rock a wig tomorrow so you can rest today, then so be it. The stress of perfection will kill your marriage quicker than some dirty dishes. I’m not encouraging anyone to become a sloth. I’m saying sometimes you need a break. Love yourself enough to take it.

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Stay prayed up to nourish your spirit

So, this should be a no-brainer. Pray. Pray to love yourself. Pray for your mind. Pray for your body. Pray for your relationships. Pray for your home. Pray for your marriage. Pray for your spouse. Pray for your children. Pray for your family. Then, pray again. Pray to love yourself. Pray to love the you that God made. Pray to love yourself so you can truly love your spouse.

There is so much more that I can say about self-love. In fact, the idea itself is a billion dollar industry. Books, seminars, and workshops stand at the ready to help you love yourself. Ultimately, you should love yourself for no other reason than to live your best life. But, if you’re married, a part of living your best life is loving your spouse well. To truly and successfully do that, loving yourself must be first things first. If you feel me, let me know your thoughts.

BMWK: What are some other ways you love yourself that are of benefit to your marriage?

Source: https://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/

I married my best friend. Not everyone gets to say that so I’m grateful. At the time my now husband proposed, we’d been dating for a year and a half. We got married four months after he popped the question. We didn’t need anything too fancy, or pricey. Rather than simply prepare for a wedding together, we prepared for a lifetime together.  That’s what marrying your best friend does. It gives you perspective on what’s important. A lifetime of love is what every married couple wants. Marrying your best friend is one way to get it.

3 Ways Marrying Your Best Friend Ensures a Lifetime of Love

1. Respect – Keeping it real means keeping it respectful with your best friend.
2. Loyalty – You never have to wonder who’s your ride or die.
3. Love – The better, worse, richer, poorer, sickness, health kind of love.

With the divorce rate standing at 50% in this country, it’s clear that at least half of us get married for the wrong reason or to the wrong person.

Watch some of these “reality” shows and you’ll realize that some of those couples have no business getting married. Bachelor party sex romps and wedding day cuss-fests make it clear that the relationship has devolved into a fight for ratings rather than a relationship.

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So, what’s the cure? Well, “cure” might be a strong word. Maybe what’s needed is the right recipe. There are many ingredients to a good marriage. There are even more to a healthy marriage. But ultimately, they all boil down to three things when you’re married to your best friend: respect, loyalty, and love. Keeping these three as the main ingredients makes it easier to season your days and spice up your nights with the one who knows you best.

Respect

Keeping it real means keeping it respectful with your best friend. On the one hand, you can get so comfortable that you don’t care how you communicate with your partner. But when someone is truly the closest human soul to you, you choose to guard your tongue. The last thing you want to do is hurt them.

When your best friend hurts, you hurt. So during tough conversations, rather than fly off the handle, you speak your truth with respect. You speak to your spouse with love. A lifetime of communicating that way means a lifetime of peace, even when times get hard.

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Loyalty

You never have to wonder who’s your ride or die after marrying your best friend. It’s a given that respect in your relationship leads to loyalty. Your spouse has your back and you have theirs. Always. Without doubt. In public. In private.

There’s an unbreakable bond that’s forged when two people have each other’s best interests at heart. When loyalty is evident, it also puts everyone else on notice. In fact, “what God has joined together, let no one separate” is loyalty’s creed. Essentially, a lifetime of love with your best friend is easier when loyalty is on the table.

Love

Love is a tricky word. If you think about it, most marriages claim to have that as the main ingredient. So how can the divorce rate be so high? Well, I’m talking about the “for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health” kind of love. This is the kind that will last a lifetime after marrying your best friend. With it comes laughter, joy, pain, sorrow, courage, fear, falling down, and getting up. It’s a love that will take you through anything life throws at your relationship. It’s not just a noun, it’s a verb. In effect, it must move beyond words into action. So sure, it’s a tricky word. But when marrying your best friend, it doesn’t have to be.

My husband is still my best friend. He became that for many reasons. But when it comes to our marriage, respect, loyalty, and love have remained constant. And for that, I’ll be grateful for a lifetime.

Source: https://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/

On a recent episode of The Steve Harvey Show, he interviewed a couple who had been married for 82 years. The husband was 103 and his wife was 100 years old. Even though they were centenarians, their chemistry was still so palpable. He had courted her for three months before they got married and 82 years later, they were still going strong. It was a refreshing conversation to listen to. And, it got me thinking. They got married during a time when fancy wedding ceremonies weren’t a thing. In fact, when advising a young couple in the audience who’d been engaged for five years because the woman wanted a big wedding, the husband said: “you don’t need to have a big wedding, just go on and get married.” Any couple that lasts 82 plus years is bound to have marriage quotes to live by.

20 Marriage Quotes for a Lifelong Marriage Beyond the Wedding

In this article:

1. Eighty-two years and counting
2. Marriage Quotes that take you beyond the wedding

Eighty-two Years and Counting

For 82 years, Mr. DW and Ms. Willie stayed true to their union despite being married at a young age. At 19, he had found the woman he would spend the rest of his life with. When you have found the person that matters most, everything else matters less. These days, couples walk away so easily from relationships because other things matter more than the work of their union. Steve asked them for advice about how to make a marriage last. Here are three things Ms. Willie had to say:

• “Be nice to each other.”
• “Just sit down and talk things over.”
• “Get a good understanding of what you’re doing and where you’re going.”

Mr. DW, of course, agreed with her. These days, couples are going into debt to get married only to get divorced for a number of reasons including financial difficulties. Yet, there are simple truths that can keep your relationship lasting a lifetime if the relationship matters more than the wedding.

20 Marriage Quotes that take you beyond the wedding

1. A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
2. Happy marriages begin when we marry the ones we love, and they blossom when we love the ones we marry.
3. A good marriage is a contest of generosity.
4. To love someone deeply gives you strength. Being loved by someone deeply gives you courage.
5. What God has joined together, let no one separate.
6. Marriage is meant to keep people together, not just when things are good, but particularly when they are not. That’s why we take marriage vows, not wishes.
7. A marriage is a like a house. When a light bulb goes out, you do not go and buy a new house, you fix the light bulb.
8. The more you invest in a marriage, the more valuable it becomes.
9. Love is quick to apologize and fast to forgive.
10. We love because He first loved us.
11. Never talk bad about your spouse to another person. This minimizes your spouses’ integrity and takes away from your character.
12. Choose to love each other, even in those moments when you struggle to like each other. Love is a commitment, not a feeling.
13. A happy marriage looks to the future, not the past.
14. A husband can love his wife best when he loves God first.
15. A perfect marriage is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.
16. Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb. It isn’t something you get. It’s something you do. It’s the way you love your partner every day.
17. Marriage is a journey – it’s hills and it’s valleys.
18. Marriage is not just spiritual communion, it is also remembering to take out the trash.
19. Love at first sight is easy to understand; it’s when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle.
20. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

There is a miracle in finding the kind of love that makes a marriage last for more than 82 years. By taking these marriage quotes to heart, your miracle is bound to happen.

BMWK, what are some of your favorite marriage quotes?

Source: https://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/

Though it’s hard to believe, you and your spouse have finally done it. You’ve stepped away from the grind of corporate America and have become true entrepreneurs. What was once a side hustle has now become a money maker and together, you’re building your own little empire. As excited as you are, you’re also aware of some hard truths. Managing your own business takes work…hard work. In fact, there are days where you long for the comfort of a time clock so you can punch in, punch out, and go home. It’s not that you regret venturing out on your own. It’s just that staying in love when your spouse is your business partner means you automatically double the work necessary to become successful.

Staying in Love When Your Spouse is Your Business Partner

1. Keep in mind you still have a Boss
2. Love your work so you can work your love
3. Remember what’s important
4. When tensions rise, k.i.s.s. and make up

Going into business with your spouse can be the blessing of a lifetime or a death knell to your relationship. Only you and your partner can decide the direction your marriage will take. But, that’s good news. You get to choose the path to your legacy before you even start. As far as it depends on you, keeping your business and your Boo in the proper perspective will ensure a lasting union with both. Here are four ways to handle your business so it doesn’t handle you.

Keep in mind you still have a Boss

When you first started your business as a side hustle, gratitude kept you honest. Whatever your faith, you gave thanks to a higher power. If you’re Christian, you couldn’t help but make your way to Colossians 3:23, “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters.” Yes. It’s true. You still have a Boss. It’s not you. It’s not your spouse. It’s a power greater than you both. When you each focus on serving Him, business as usual takes a back seat to business with purpose. When you approach it that way, it’s easy to ask for and get all hands on deck.

Love your work so you can work your love

Hopefully, the business you and your spouse are in is one you each have a passion for. Staying in love with your spouse as you build an empire doesn’t happen when either or both of you hate the empire. If you’re both in love with the idea of the business and what it could mean as a legacy for your family, then staying in love becomes much easier. Planning date nights and fun trips around work events when you love your work is a sure recipe for a happy partnership in business and in marriage.

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Remember what’s important

So yes, you love your work. But you also love your spouse. It’s not a competition. Your marriage comes first. By prioritizing what matters most, you and your spouse will work even harder to ensure the success of the business you’re building. Don’t lose sight of the vows you took. It wasn’t “to have and to hold” a business, but rather “to have and to hold” each other. Staying in love doesn’t have to get complicated when a business partnership is involved. If you keep first things first, everything else will fall in line.

When tensions rise, k.i.s.s. and make up

Who am I kidding? When you work with your spouse, there are times that things will get tense. If you have other employees in the room, they’re bound to notice. Don’t allow rough spots to linger when you don’t see eye to eye with your spouse. If necessary, take some time away from the office and k.i.s.s. and make up.

• K – Kneel together in prayer and address the issue with your Boss first.
• I – Identify the primary area of disagreement and try to see things from your partner’s point of view.
• S – Submit your will to God and ask him for guidance on the issue.
• S – “Sorry” goes a long way to smoothing over tensions in the office and at home.

After you “kiss,” don’t forget to make up. Step away from work and do something fun with your spouse. Staying in love requires pushing through difficult times and finding joy in your partner again. It won’t be easy, but it’s necessary for your union and your business to successfully coexist.

Many couples run away from the idea of partnering with their spouse on a business venture. Whether it’s out of fear or terror, the idea just doesn’t sit well. But it can be done and done well when each spouse has the right attitude and the right focus. If you’re thinking about partnering with your spouse, but are still on the fence, first look to your Boss, then your heart for the answer that best suits your relationship.

BMWK, what things are you doing in your relationship to ensure you are staying in love with your spouse in marriage and in business?

Source: https://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/

Marriage has long been characterized by many as an independence killer. It’s not unusual to hear antagonistic phrases such as “ball and chain,” or “on lockdown,” when talking to people about their spouse or about getting married. This stigma, while it hasn’t derailed the billion dollar wedding industry, continues to sully the image of truly successful marriages. It is, quite frankly, annoying. True enough, marriage is hard and it takes work. But, it is also one of the most emotionally, mentally, and physically liberating experiences one could have. So, as we near the celebration of our country’s independence, I thought it fitting that we share the role of freedom in marriage. Not only are behaviors that lead to freedom necessary, but they are a driving force behind marriage success and should no longer catch a bad rap.

Freedom in Marriage: 3 Liberating Behaviors That Promote Marriage Success

1. Vulnerability – letting someone all the way in liberates the mind
2. Honesty – telling the truth liberates the heart
3. Meditation – time alone to pray, worship, or meditate liberates the spirit

For years, television sitcom’s “Martin” made Martin and Gina #relationshipgoals for some couples. We watched their relationship blossom and grow. We also saw some heartache and setbacks that were all too real. In one of the most moving episodes, the opportunity to advance in her career meant Gina had to move to a new city and either take her relationship with Martin to the next level or leave him behind. Though Martin loved Gina, he thought the whole thing was a plot meant to bully him into proposing to her. So he did. Check out the clip below and then let’s move on.

It was one of the most gut-wrenching proposals on TV. It underscored the stigma associated with marriage to an audience that many falsely believe have a problem with marriage. Martin’s fear of losing his independence drove him to act in a way unbecoming of the relationship they had worked so hard to build. What he didn’t realize is that once united, there are liberating behaviors that promote rather than hinder independence and all but guarantee marriage success.

Vulnerability

One of the hardest things for people to do in relationships is to be vulnerable. For many, opening up means peeling back layers they’re unable or unwilling to face. However, just like peeling an onion, vulnerability often produces tears. There’s something to be said about having a good cry. Letting others in on the thoughts that plague you and depress your mind can offer the kind of cleansing necessary to function well in a relationship.

If your spouse is truly your best friend, they will embrace the chance to hurt with you, cry with you and pray for you. Once you get it all out, you truly feel liberated and you have strengthened the bond between you and your spouse.

Honesty

Like vulnerability, honesty has its perks. When you are honest with your spouse it frees your heart from harboring resentment that might otherwise build up. Marriage success is not possible without honesty in your relationship. Now, don’t get me wrong. There’s a difference between intentionally hurting someone with your words and being honest. It’s important to use wisdom when you have to talk about matters that might cause pain. However, hiding the truth suffocates the heart. Rather than allowing things to fester inside of you, speak the truth in love to your spouse and set your heart, and most likely theirs, free.

Meditation

Whether you call it meditation, prayer, alone time or something else, the point is you should free yourself from all the noise. Vulnerability frees the mind and honesty frees the heart. But there’s nothing quite as exhilarating as a free spirit. Take time to connect with God, nature, or even your inner self. Allow your spirit to soar and watch your relationship with your spouse rises to whole new levels. Give your marriage the chance at success by giving your spirit the chance to recharge.

For all of those who are afraid of losing their freedom in marriage, I believe you’ve got it all wrong. There is no greater opportunity to grow as a person and find ultimate freedom than when you surrender yourself to those liberating behaviors that can truly set you free.

Source: https://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/

Another weekend has come and gone and you and your spouse spent it doing the “same ole, same ole.” He mowed the lawn. You did the laundry. Later, you both watched TV then went to bed. Yawn! Don’t get me wrong. The love is still there. However, you weren’t shocked to find your wedding picture next to “boring marriage” on the internet. How did this happen? You two were the talk of the town during your courtship. You had so much fun together. But, at some point, you settled into a routine that left your marriage wanting. Now, you’re ready to turn the tables and set things back in motion. The question is, where should you start?

Boring Marriage? 2 Stupid Simple Ways to Spice Things Up

1. Turn off the TV.
2. Leave the house.

Making a decision to spice things up in your relationship is the easy part. Following through is where things get tough. Chances are you’ve worked pretty hard all week. By the time Friday comes around, you’re beyond tired. In fact, just the thought of doing anything outside of curling up in front of the TV wears you out. But a boring marriage isn’t what you signed up for so it’s time to make some changes. It’s time to spice things up and here are two extremely stupid simple ways to do just that!

Turn off the TV

Stupid. Simple. Not much else needs to be said here. However, just in case you’ve fooled yourself into thinking TV is a “fun” part of your relationship, let me help you out. Whether it’s watching Game of Thrones, a saving the whales documentary, or Martin re-runs, a night spent in front of the tube makes the “boring list” for marriage activity. Sure, once in a while, a night of Netflix and chill can turn into something more. But chances are if your marriage is boring, it’s time to let that idea go.

Whip out some cards and play strip poker. Grab a photo album and reminisce about the good old days. Have some friends over and get your spades game on. Turn on the radio. Dance a little salsa. Or let Luther take you…ahem…there.

Whatever you choose, just turn off the TV and make it spicy!

Leave the House

The comforts of home can make slaves of us all. At home, you don’t have to deal with the hassle of dressing to the nines and putting on makeup and tipping the server. Complacency creeps in and excitement creeps out. Finding a sitter takes a backseat to finding the right channel. What were once nights to remember have turned into nights you’d just as soon forget.

Enough said. It’s time to leave the house.

But for a couple whose nightlife has grown stale, what’s there to do? It wouldn’t hurt to call up some friends and schedule a double date. If your dating game is a little rusty, there’s no shame in tagging along with a couple who’s always on the move. Once you get started, you’ll find yourself planning some wild nights on the town by yourself. Here are some things you can look forward to:

• Take some dance lessons together
• Spice up your life with a cooking class
• Go enjoy a day at an amusement park
• Take in an outdoor…or indoor concert
• A picnic in the park can be a lot of fun
• Drive to a nearby city and take in the sights
• Dinner without the movie also has its perks
• A day at the beach, the lake, the pond…make it work for you

There are options galore for bringing some spice back into your relationship. But first, you have to take a sobering look at your time and see if you’re sharing the best time of your life with the love of your life. If you give in to complacency and neglect your thirst for excitement, your marriage will suffer.

I promised you two stupid-simple ways to spice up your boring marriage. And, that’s what you got. But by doing just those two things alone, you open up your relationship to a host of possibilities. Consider the effort you put into dating your spouse. Light that fire again in your marriage and sparks are bound to fly!

Source: https://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/

“She’s your – Queen to be!” If you’ve ever seen “Coming to America,” these lyrics and the way they are sung stand out in the movie. Sang out of tune and high pitched, it was the first line to the song introducing Eddie Murphy’s character, Prince Akeem Joffer, to his bride to be, at least the one who had been arranged for him since birth. After her grand entrance, Akeem attempts to have a private chat with her. Since it’s their first meeting, he tries to get to know her, you know, her likes and dislikes. He soon learns that her whole life, she’s been trained to do one thing: meet his needs and his needs only. Unhappy with their choice for him, Akeem sets out to America to find his bride, someone who can serve alongside him as king and queen when his time comes to rule Zamunda.

King and Queen: How to Treat Your Spouse Like Royalty

1. Respect their mind
2. Follow their heart
3. Love their spirit
4. Serve their body
5. Obey their intentions

Respect their mind

When Akeem attempts to learn about his arranged bride, he asks her about the things that she likes. Her answer was always the same. She liked whatever he liked. And, she would do whatever he told her to do. So, he asks her bark like a dog. And, she does. Now, we laugh at that scene because it’s a movie and it’s funny. However, the lesson here is that Akeem wanted a woman, a queen, he could respect.

As king and queen in a relationship, it’s important to have a high level of respect for your spouse. Respecting their independence of thought, their ability to think and act for themselves is the first place to start. Though the husband might lead the relationship, he seeks his wife’s thoughts in every area. Different points of view help us to grow as people and a good king and queen know that it makes your union that much more exciting and your bond that much stronger.

Follow their heart

Treating your spouse like royalty may start with respect, but it means nothing if you can’t understand and follow their heart. Always assume the good about your partner. Often times in relationships, especially during moments of conflict, frustrations abound when our hearts are misunderstood.

In the movie, Akeem travels to America and meets Lisa. As he courts her, not only does he hide his royal heritage, he presents himself as extremely poor. Upon learning his true status, Lisa is very upset. To her, it appeared as though he were testing her heart whereas, for him, he just wanted to be loved as a man, not a prince. There may be times when your partner’s actions are questionable. But to treat them like royalty, it’s important to first believe in the goodness of their character. For Akeem and Lisa, they both learned the lesson that they should assume the good and not the worst about their partner’s heart. You should do the same.

Love their spirit

When Akeem first meets Lisa, he’s smitten. Is she beautiful? Yes. But as he gets to know her, he’s not only struck by the softness of her smile, he’s also moved by the kindness of her spirit. Learning to love the spiritual energy your partner brings to your relationship is an important way to treat them like royalty.

Serve their body

Yes. I said, “serve.” Intimacy in a king and queen relationship is about just that, service. Finding out your partner’s likes and dislikes when it comes to sexual pleasure is an important step in treating them like royalty. Rather than focusing solely on your personal needs, there is tremendous satisfaction in meeting the needs of your spouse. Whether it’s engaging in foreplay or touching them where they like to be touched, the royal treatment is service oriented.

Obey their intentions

I have to say it’s unfortunate that when it comes to marriage, the word obey has gotten a really bad rap. I can’t say it’s without good reason. It has been abused so often that the intent of it has been completely twisted. When you are in a king and queen relationship, understanding each other’s intentions and being obedient to it doesn’t have to be complicated. It requires gratitude and humility to both see where your spouse is coming from as well as obey their requests of you. When you choose to see their point of view and submit your will to theirs, you are letting them know you uphold them as royalty in your life. It doesn’t mean you blindly follow, it just means you respect their role as your partner in the relationship.

In Coming to America, Akeem finds his bride. He found someone who he was will to respect, follow, love, serve, and obey. Lisa was also willing to do the same for Akeem. As the eventual king and queen if Zamunda, they could not rule as one without these qualities. For your family, your own little nation to be its best, you must treat your spouse like royalty. These five qualities are a great way to start.

BMWK, in what ways do you treat your spouse like royalty?

Source: https://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/

I dated a millionaire miser. His name was Peter, and it was one of the most toxic relationships I’d ever been in. But, it was also one of the most transformational.

I can thank Peter for teaching me a few surprising things about love and money. Maybe you’ll benefit from learning them, too.

Money Is a Stand-In for Many of Our Values

I grew up in a household where money was hard to come by. Once I entered the working world, I became obsessed with saving money as a way to avoid poverty, as opposed to building wealth or funding professional and personal opportunities for growth. My thinking has since evolved, and I have come to view money as a tool to help me live life on my terms, which includes saving, spending, donating and investing.

In dating a miser, I witnessed how money could be used as a weapon to punish and control. Peter believed his wealth entitled him to speak poorly to waitresses, department store staff or anyone that he felt had less money than he did.

Dating a Financial Extreme Can Be the Wake-Up Call You Need

While dating Peter, I saw him read books in their entirety and return them to bookstores, haggle over the price of end-of-day pizza, skimp on tips and manipulate situations to get out of buying costly gifts. Observing these behaviors forced me to reflect on my own. While I had never done any of these things, it made me think about some of my unsavory financial actions and motivations.

Since dating Peter, I’ve adjusted some of my money behaviors: I tip at least 15 percent; I still love a discount, but don’t become despondent when I don’t receive one (specifically if I can outright afford it); I think about price as much as I do value when making a purchase.

Love should be easy in the beginning, but I soon found myself rolling my eyes at how Peter treated money, and by extension, the world around him: one-sided, self-absorbed and extremely demanding. In hindsight, I should have ended the three-month relationship sooner, but the bottom line was that it had to end and it did.

Misers Make Financial Intimacy Hard, but Financial Infidelity Easy

Cultivating financial intimacy, or the ability to communicate openly and honestly about money with your partner, is difficult to do with a miser. In the short time that we dated, Peter didn’t like the idea that I worked and wanted me to stop working if we were to get serious, despite my core (non-negotiable) beliefs of financial independence and career fulfillment. Even though there was never a chance that I would ever marry this man, I already thought about ways to hide my financial and career advancements and achievements while we dated, which would only deepen in a marriage to a man that wanted to dominate, if not, oppress financially.

I ended this jaunt of a relationship with Peter nearly ten years ago. It’s still one of the most memorable relationships I’ve had — not for the love, but for the lessons. If my life were a book, then Peter would have been my foil, the character that shows qualities that are in contrast with the qualities of the protagonist (me). The foil’s ultimate objective is to highlight the traits of the other character.

From Peter, I learned about how much love I had to give (and wanted to give) by how much love he withheld. From Peter, I learned that I wanted to use money as a way to express gratitude and appreciation for myself and others by experiencing how he systemically shortchanged and reduced the people in his life, including me. And for that, I will always be grateful.

Source: http://www.thefrugalfeminista.com/blog/

One of my dearest friends got married at the end of last year. The destination wedding, which took place on some of the most gorgeous beaches of Mexico, was hands-down one of the most exquisite ceremonies I had ever witnessed. And, as one of her five bridesmaids, it was also one of the most expensive. 

When I agreed to accept the invitation of being a bridesmaid, I knew I was also accepting the financial responsibilities that accompanied a destination wedding.

Bridesmaid Costs for a Destination Wedding

Regarding numbers, there were several costs that I had to incur. Here’s exactly how much it cost me to be a bridesmaid at a wedding in Mexico:

Being a Bridesmaid: Cost vs. Value

Witnessing my girlfriend’s journey from single woman to married woman with a man that she loves was one of my deepest joys. I loved landing in Mexico and feeling my advanced Spanish flow out of me — I felt like a bilingual goddess. I loved ordering room service and eating Mexican burritos in my underwear every morning for breakfast. I loved all of the hoopla and fuss associated with the day; I loved running to a fellow bridesmaid’s hotel room and faux freaking out about getting to the wedding on time. I loved being silly and looking at how round our booties were in the mirror once we put on our bridesmaid dresses. I loved taking #selfies and #usies at the reception and chitchatting with the invitees at my table.

http://www.thefrugalfeminista.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/06/IMG_1393-113x150.jpg 113w, http://www.thefrugalfeminista.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/06/IMG_1393-768x1022.jpg 768w, http://www.thefrugalfeminista.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/06/IMG_1393-610x812.jpg 610w" alt="" width="331" height="440" />I’ve known the bride since we were in high school. We interned at the same soul-sucking insurance company for two years and wobbled down Wall Street’s cobbled corners in high heels together. She was also my bridesmaid. And a deft one at that: She played referee when my mom and I went almost to blows on the floors of David’s Bridal when searching for my wedding dress.

In short, when I think of our 20-year friendship and all the various way this woman taught me about the power of family, forgiveness and faith, it was an honor to be one of the chosen ones. As a bridesmaid, I was able to create another memory with my friend and the cost of it, though hefty, was outweighed by the emotional returns of that day.

When the Value Is High but So Is the Cost

I understand my perspective is not the same for everyone. The decision to drop nearly $2,000 — the equivalent of startup funds for an online business, a mortgage payment or two, a used car or the cost of a college course at a local college — requires a lot of financial thinking, analysis and planning, even when you care deeply about the bride and groom. Consider asking yourself the following questions to help you determine whether accepting a role in the wedding party at a far-off destination is really worth it:

• • Will participating in this wedding put me into debt?

• • Can I afford to pay for everything in cash?

• • Have recent or upcoming life events like purchasing a home, a layoff or divorce created financial holes or gaps?

• • Do I consider this person a true friend?

• • Would they do the same for me?

• Could I recoup the cost in some way? Could it be covered as a business expense? Could I extend my stay so I can have a vacation?

No matter what you decide, when it becomes to being a bridesmaid, your friend — if they are a true friend — will respect your (financial) decision.

Source: http://www.thefrugalfeminista.com/blog/

I’ve been with my current financial advisor, James, for close to 15 years. In a recent conversation, he shared his first impression of me, which, surprisingly, wasn’t complimentary at all. He said that after I entered his office to discuss retirement, he thought he’d never see me again.

In his experience, potential clients would show great initial interest in planning for retirement, but would never garner the discipline or commitment to execute a plan. His anecdotal experiences mirror what’s happening nationwide. A recent survey from GOBankingRates found that 42 percent of Americans have no more than $10,000 saved for retirement, which isn’t even enough to cover a year’s worth of expenses in retirement, according to the BLS. Further, nearly 14 percent have nothing saved at all.

What James didn’t know about me when we first met was that I had seen family members lose their homes, beg for bus fare and contemplate suicide because they had no money in their twilight years. I didn’t want to suffer the same fate.

After we had our initial meeting, I returned the next week with my first deposit: $100. And, I made sure that every month I scheduled a $100 deduction to go toward retirement so I could have a cushy future. Besides automating my retirement, here are three other money moves I made to set myself up to retire comfortably.

No. 1: I Opened a Retirement Savings Account Early (Even With Debt)

A GOBankingRates survey, conducted via Survata, asked 1,000 adults with $0 saved what the main reason for their lack of savings was. The No. 1 response was, perhaps unsurprisingly, “I don’t make enough money” (40 percent).

When I first met James, I was in my 20s, a classroom teacher and had student loan debt. But, that didn’t stop me. I started with as much as I could afford and increased how much I contributed on a yearly basis. James also encouraged me to speak to my human resources department to find out about how to take advantage of my employer’s Tax-Deferred Annuity (TDA) options. Once I eliminated my student loan, I had grown so used to living on less, I was able to funnel even more money toward my retirement savings without feeling deprived.

No. 2: I Questioned Consumerism

During my financial journey, I lived at the extremes of the spender-saver spectrum. There were times when I deprived myself of the basics of life in the name of saving a dollar. On the other hand, there were periods of time when I spent frivolously in the spirit of self-care and self-love. But, after reading Julia Schor’s seminal “The Overspent American,” I began to fully make sense of money and how Americans use status spending to keep them focused on material acquisition rather than wealth-building. This book offered a tempered approach to spending: If you buy to impress others, you’ll be unhappy and be shopping forever, so avoid it. This book reinforced my decisions to buy a moderate home (instead of a McMansion), frequent thrift stores even though I can afford more, and indulge in experiences and activities that matter to me independent of their popularity.

No. 3: I Started a Side Hustle

While I never thought of The Frugal Feminista as a form of retirement income, it is. A business, whether part time or full time, could generate enough income to make a huge difference in how you experience your retirement. An additional source of income can determine how much you travel, where you decide to relocate (if necessary) and how generous you can be to organizations and causes that align with your values.

While I have at least three more decades in the workforce, I know that my approach to saving for retirement through simple living, entrepreneurship and good ol’ savings will ensure that I retire like a boss. Will you?

Source: http://www.thefrugalfeminista.com/blog/