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No one ever wants to hear bad news about their health. Whether you go to the doctor for a routine visit or you’re forced to see a specialist because of a specific new ailment, most of us desire a positive outcome. But what do you do if you’re suddenly faced with sickness in your marriage? It was July 15, 2018 when my friend Chloe found out she had breast cancer. Though a devastating diagnosis, Chloe credits much of her fighting spirit not only with God, but with her husband Mike. From the very beginning, Mike’s attitude was that they would get through it. Chloe believed him. Married 25 years, they had seen their fair share of trouble. But their relationship had been rooted in Christ for a long time and their faith would have to guide them through this one.

5 Scriptures to Help You Through Sickness in Your Marriage

In this article:

1. Leave your guilt behind – 2 Corinthians 12:9
2. Empathize with your spouse – Philippians 1:27
3. Seek God for yourself – Deuteronomy 4: 29-31
4. Get the right perspective – Galatians 6:9
5. Remember your vows – Proverbs 24:10 

So, this is breast cancer awareness month. In some ways, it seems almost flippant to refer to Chloe’s diagnosis as merely “trouble.” I mean, regardless of how far we’ve come with modern science, a cancer diagnosis is still a crushing blow to the psyche. Many of us, self included, would find it a difficult barrier to overcome. For those who are married, it’s comforting to know you have someone by your side to help you through a major sickness in your marriage. At least it should be. Unfortunately, the toll an illness places on a marriage can lead to separation if you have nothing to fall back on. In addition to scriptures that helped sustain Chloe’s faith, here are some verses to help you in the fight when your physical and spiritual walk are put to the test.

Leave Your Guilt Behind – 2 Corinthians 12:9

It’s not easy to watch your spouse suffer. Regardless of which spouse you are, the healthy caregiver or the sick partner, each one can feel burdened by the other’s pain. Chloe struggled with the hardship she felt her sickness put on Mike. But she knew if they were going to make it through, she had to come to grips with God’s and Mike’s grace.

2 Corinthians 12:9 – “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”

Empathize With Your Spouse – Philippians 1:27

One of the things that has helped Mike and Chloe is placing themselves in each other’s shoes. Try to understand what your spouse is facing. Talk to them about their struggle. Then treat them the way you would want to be treated. By showing empathy, you strengthen your bond and your faith through the process.

Philippians 1: 27 – “Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ. Then, whether I come and see you or only hear about you in my absence, I will know that you stand firm in the one Spirit, striving together as one for the faith of the gospel.”

Seek God for Yourself – Deuteronomy 4:29-31

In order to empathize with your spouse, you must be able to draw strength from your own personal walk with God. Regardless of how strong Mike is in his faith, Chloe knew she couldn’t get through this fight without seeking God out for herself. If you are facing sickness in your marriage, seeking God for yourself is a must.

Deuteronomy 4:29-31 – ” But if from there you seek the Lord your God, you will find him if you seek him with all your heart and with all your soul. ³⁰ When you are in distress and all these things have happened to you, then in later days you will return to the Lord your God and obey him. ³¹ For the Lord your God is a merciful God; he will not abandon or destroy you or forget the covenant with your ancestors, which he confirmed to them by oath.”

Get the Right Perspective – Proverbs 24:10

Mike considers it an honor to care for his wife. Chloe recognizes the importance of letting Mike know she needs him. Though they are facing this battle from two different perspectives, staying the course is not a cakewalk. Sickness is emotionally, mentally, and physically taxing on both spouses. But the right perspective is sure to keep you strong.

Proverbs 24:10 – “If you falter in a time of trouble, how small is your strength!”

Remember Your Vows – Galatians 6:9

I saved this scripture for last because if all else fails, this one shouldn’t. Times of trouble are bound to come. Many times, our vows are the only thing keeping our relationship standing. So when facing sickness in your marriage, remember your commitment to your partner “in sickness and in health.” Remembering your vows improves your chances of not growing weary when times are tough.

Galatians 6:9 – “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.”

For Mike and Chloe, it’s breast cancer and they are trusting in God and standing firm on their vows. For you and your spouse, it may be something else. No matter what your situation, the right scripture can help you through some of your hardest days. As it says in Ecclesiastes 4:12, “though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”

Source: https://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/

Marvin Gaye’s smooth voice singing “How Sweet It Is to Be Loved by You” is one of the most renowned relationship songs out there. Released in 1965, it has helped couples love and last for decades. But what does it mean to be loved, especially in marriage? Of course, that’s the million-dollar question that has a million different answers. I mean, in every relationship, love languages vary. It’s important to demonstrate love according to your spouse’s needs. But there are some universal actions that, regardless of your love language, speak to the heart and give strength to a relationship. So we thought it fitting that with Sweetest Day around the corner, we’d share some tried and true behaviors that not only give you a sweet day but a sweet life with your spouse.

5 Sweetest Day Hacks to Create the Sweetest Life With Your Spouse

In this article:

1. Write a love letter
2. Give a “just because” gift
3. Spend time talking and listening
4. Be thoughtful
5. Pray for your spouse

Before we get the ball rolling, let me just say that I’m not trying to sell you on another “holiday.” I get that there are commercialized celebrations (some say this is Valentine’s Day for men) that place unnecessary pressure on relationships that, frankly, can be a nuisance. But our goal here is to help make relationships stronger. So there’s no reason that the things done on Sweetest Day, if you “celebrate” it, can’t be done throughout the year.

Write a love letter

Okay, this may be an archaic piece of advice. In an era where text messages rule and pre-written cards are on the shelves, why bother? But this practice is for more than just the receiver. The sender, or giver, who takes time to actually handwrite the letter will have a moment of clarity that’s hard to come by in everyday life. It gives you the chance to reflect on your relationship, your spouse, and the reasons your life with them is important. Once or twice a year on a day they would least expect it, write a letter to your spouse expressing your love, your gratitude, and your hope for the future.

Give a “just because” gift

Whether it’s for Sweetest Day or any other special occasion, a nice gift is always a good look. But what about those days that are not so “special?” Well, a “gift” doesn’t always have to come wrapped up in a pretty bow. If you know your spouse, you know what makes their heart flutter.

• Bring breakfast in bed
• Iron their clothes
• Buy a special piece of jewelry
• Get them tickets to their favorite sporting event
• Offer to take over a chore they normally handle
• Give them a nice massage

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Whatever “language” moves your spouse’s heart, speak it often in your relationship.

Spend time talking and listening

It’s not unusual in relationships for each partner to enjoy different activities. For instance, while one of you likes watching football, the other is hooked on legal dramas. So it can be easy to find yourselves in different corners of the house on a daily basis. Get up. Leave your corner. Actually take time to talk to your spouse.

Sometimes, my husband and I will just do this. Whether it’s work or play, we will put it to the side, seek each other out, and chat. It’s not an emergency conversation. It’s not about the kids or bills or anything “important.” We just want to be in each other’s presence. Sometimes it’s serious. Most times it’s nothing but laughs. But it’s a necessary element in staying connected in our relationship.

You don’t need to wait for a Sweetest Day date to enjoy time with your spouse. Carve out a few minutes in your day to catch up and spend quality time with each other.

Be thoughtful

When you take time to talk with and listen to your spouse, you actually get a nugget. Take what they say and use it to bless your relationship. Maybe your wife had a hard day at work. Maybe your husband feels stressed about bills. Maybe your wife is craving her favorite icecream. Maybe your husband’s favorite football team is coming to town. It only takes a moment to think of a way to ease a fear or satisfy a desire.

Be thoughtful. Give your wife a foot rub. Plan a romantic night with your man. Buy the ice cream. Get game tickets or, if you can’t afford that, deck out the house in team colors and give him the remote.

What will matter more than the act itself is that you took the time to think about your spouse’s needs. The more you practice this, the easier it will be for them to share their hearts.

Pray for your spouse

This should be an easy one right? I mean, sure you can pray for your spouse on Sweetest Day, but this is definitely one of those “more often than not” hacks. While spending time listening to your spouse, you learn what areas of their life need prayer.

Then you pray. You can pray alone or you can pray together. Either way, pray.

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Sometimes, you should even fast. While being thoughtful is a good thing, it won’t fill every need your spouse has. By turning everything over to God, you let your spouse know you have their back on your knees.

In a few days, October 19th this year, it will be Sweetest Day. Go ahead and make that day special. Get the candy or the cake. Give the sweet gift. Just because it’s commercialized doesn’t mean it should be dismissed. But don’t forget that being sweet toward your spouse isn’t limited to one day a year. Make time throughout the week to give your relationship a little sugar and a little spice. Just like Marvin Gaye, your spouse will be singing…”how sweet it is to be loved by you.”

Source: https://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/

Has anyone ever asked you to pray for them and you said you would…and then you forgot? I’ve been there. It’s one of those out of sight, out of mind situations that leave you feeling like crap the next time you see that person. Well, for married couples whose lives are held together by the ever-important third strand, forgetting to pray is not an option. Since we already have an article focusing on husbands covering their marriage in prayer, we thought we’d give the wives an opportunity to cover their husband from spiritual attack.

Wives: 3 Powerful Prayers to Cover Your Husband From Spiritual Attack

Spiritually responsible men pray. It’s a part of their DNA. But, also a part of their DNA, is the habit of trying to fix it all. When challenges hit the family, the husband stands at the ready to defend with his life. But a spiritual attack is no joke and he needs all the help he can get. It’s important to provide cover for three areas most susceptible to weakness: his mind, his health, and his heart.

Pray for his mind

One of the first places the devil hits is the mind. When your husband is doing his best to lead your marriage and protect your home, his mind is his most vulnerable asset. 2 Timothy 1:7 reminds us how important it is to keep the mind covered in prayer. “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.”

Prayer: Heavenly Father, when my husband’s mind comes under spiritual attack, I ask for your protection. I pray that you will help him stay focused on Jesus no matter what comes his way. When times are good, help him to praise you.

When times are bad, help him to praise you. On those days when he doesn’t know what to do to keep our family going, I pray that you help his mind to focus on you as the Giver of all things.

When his mind is under spiritual attack, help him to see You as the Leader of our home. Help him trust you, rely on you, and give his whole mind over to you. Instill faith and remove all doubt from his mind. I pray that he will seek guidance and gain wisdom from your word. Protect his mind from fear, depression, anxiety, pride, laziness, and feeling overwhelmed. Strengthen his mind today. In Jesus’ name. Amen!

Pray for his health

The next area often left defenseless when under spiritual attack is his health. As you cover his mind in prayer, remember to also cover his body. This is an area that can have a profound impact on his ability to follow through on his decision to trust God. 3 John 1: 2 gives you a good start. “Dear friend, I pray that you may enjoy good health and that all may go well with you, even as your soul is getting along well.”

Prayer: Lord, as my husband goes about his day, I pray you will keep watch over the health of his body. I ask your blessing on all that he consumes. I pray for strength when his body gets tired. In the face of any potential illness, help him to be resilient. And when he grows weak, hold up his arms. Keep him healthy so that he might focus on you. Protect his body from any and every threat. In Jesus’ name. Amen!

Pray for his heart

Of all the things your husband needs prayer for, protecting his heart should be considered one of your greatest priorities. Why? Because when a man loses heart, almost nothing else matters. Proverbs 17:22 says it all: “A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.”

Prayer: Heavenly Father, please protect my husband’s heart. Out of love for us, he gives our family everything he’s got. But please help his heart to stay strong and not grow weary. Give him victories every day to encourage him. Help him persevere in trial and find joy in times of peace. Protect his heart from his fear and in those moments when fear comes anyway, help him to fight through it. Whether in times of battle or times of peace, keep his heart fixed on Jesus. Continue to protect him with the breastplate of righteousness. Let your Holy Spirit flow through him and keep his heart from going astray. In Jesus’ name. Amen!

Praying for your husband covers your family from spiritual attack. When he is strong, your marriage and your family is even stronger. Remember, a cord of three strands is not easily broken. Keep God as the head of your relationship and remember he has great plans for you. Jeremiah 29:11: “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.”

Source: https://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/

Halloween is right around the corner. In our family, we don’t exactly “celebrate” this holiday, but we enjoy some of the more fun aspects of the occasion. Aside from the sugar rush, roasting marshmallows by the fire, hoarding candy, and spending time with friends has no downside. But many Christian families are turned off because of what the holiday represents. Without getting too deep, the historical significance of Halloween is rooted in the fear of ghosts, evil spirits, and mayhem. Whether your family goes all in for the holiday or just takes advantage of the social engagement that comes with it, this is a great time of year to pray for our children to be protected from evil spirits and mayhem. Here are five biblically inspired prayers to cover your children from spiritual attack.

5 Biblically Inspired Prayers to Cover Your Children from Spiritual Attack

Guidance

We all want our children to make wise choices. But before they can do that, they have to be taught how. There are so many things in this world fighting to influence our kids. Deuteronomy 11: 18-21 teaches us how to guide them and what we must do to protect their hearts and minds from bad influences.

Deuteronomy 11:18-21 (NIV) “Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. ¹⁹ Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. ²⁰ Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates, ²¹ so that your days and the days of your children may be many in the land the Lord swore to give your ancestors, as many as the days that the heavens are above the earth.“

Prayer: Heavenly Father, there are so many things clamoring for my child’s attention. Sometimes it’s hard to know what to let in and what to keep out. Please give me wisdom to guide my child. And please allow me, second only to you, to be there strongest influence in this world. Help us to have a great relationship so they will hear your word through me and make wise choices. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Belief

Once we are able to influence our children, it’s important they learn to believe that God’s word is true. Pray for them to not only listen to God’s word but to believe and do what it says. That kind of belief starts with you.

Mark 11:22-24 (NIV) “Have faith in God,” Jesus answered. ²³ “Truly I tell you, if anyone says to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and does not doubt in their heart but believes that what they say will happen, it will be done for them. ²⁴ Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.”

Prayer: Heavenly Father, I pray my child will grow to believe in you. Help me to set a good example of faith that they can follow. I pray they will see you through me. I pray their faith grows stronger every day and they will choose to live like they believe. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Trust

Even though we believe, it’s still hard to trust sometimes. Though they are often fearless, pray for your children to have unconditional trust in God.

Philippians 4:6, 19 (NIV) “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” ^{19 “}And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.”

Prayer: Heavenly Father, When everything around my child goes crazy and they are tempted to doubt you, I pray they will trust you unconditionally. I pray they will not be afraid or worry. I pray they will rely on you without fear. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Image and Self Worth

Once our kids enter those teenage years, they are often bombarded with worldly images that draw their attention away from God and onto themselves. Pray for your child to see themselves in the image of God and to love themselves the way God made them. Pray they will value the gifts God has given them and not live their lives in comparison to others.

Psalm 139:13-14 “You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. ¹⁴ Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.”

Prayer: Heavenly Father, Thank you for the child you have blessed me with. I pray they will see themselves in your image. I pray they will embrace every part of who they are and love themselves as much as you love them. I pray that even if they are tempted by the images they see in the world, You will give them the strength to choose to be made and remade into your image every day. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Living life to the full

When our kids have direction, belief, trust, and a positive self-image, they can’t help but live life to its fullest. Pray that in an effort to live a full life, they will seek ways to serve God and others in the process.

Jeremiah 29:11-13 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ¹² Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”

Prayer: Heavenly Father, thank you for helping my child to embrace your word. I pray they will seek you, seek ways to serve you, and find ways to serve others. I pray you will grant them success in all they do. In the times when they lose their way, I pray they will pursue you once again and find you. I pray they will hold firmly to your word and never leave you. In Jesus’ name, Amen!

Source: https://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/

Perfect marriage? I can already hear all the comments! “There is no such thing as a perfect marriage.” “Perfect marriages don’t exist.” Well, I’m here to tell you that they do. The question is, are you willing to train your spouse in order to get one?

3 Ways to Train Your Spouse for a Perfect Marriage

I love the movie “How to Train Your Dragon.” It’s one of the best-animated films I’ve ever seen. Of course, as much as the digital graphics and cinematography were meant to captivate and delight children, the life messages for young and old can’t be missed. If you haven’t watched it, or if it’s been a while, revisit the movie if your marriage is going through some things. I found a few nuggets that, if taken to heart, can help you and your spouse produce the perfect marriage.

Remember It’s the Two of You Versus the World

In the movie, Hiccup goes against Viking tradition when he befriends rather than destroys his first dragon who he names Toothless. Now, when you are born and raised in a family of dragon slayers, that doesn’t exactly go over well at dinner. The two supposed enemies end up as best friends and must face off friend and foe alike. Marriage is no different. If you want a perfect marriage, you must remember that it’s the two of you against the world. Train your spouse…and yourself to embrace unity in your relationship. In good times, in bad times, in the in-between times, you join hands with your spouse and present a unified front. Period.

Never Leave Your Spouse Behind

In his attempt to kill Toothless at the start of the film, Hiccup inadvertently destroys his left tail rendering him incapable of flying. As their relationship develops, Hiccup thinks of a way to get Toothless back into the air. He builds an artificial tail, straps it to his dragon and they eventually have lift off.

Isn’t that what marriage is like? Things aren’t always great. And sometimes, one of you gets knocked down. But, if you train your spouse…and yourself to have your back no matter what, your marriage will have lift off again in no time.

A perfect marriage is not free of trouble. A perfect marriage is defined by how you treat your spouse when trouble comes. Do you tear down your spouse and leave them incapacitated on the sidelines? Do you take advantage of their weakness in order to make yourself feel better? Or, do you recognize and acknowledge your mistakes and then move heaven and earth to fix it? Train your spouse…and yourself, that when trouble comes you won’t leave each other behind. Period.

Don’t Allow Others to Define Your Relationship

Hiccup almost caught a beatdown from his tribe for joining hands with Toothless. I mean, after all, Toothless was a dragon and they killed dragons, not tamed them. His father, friends, and others did not believe dragons were tamable. They tried to do all they could to turn Hiccup against Toothless and dragons in general. However, Hiccup saw in Toothless what they didn’t. Rather than let them tell him what kind of relationship he would have with the dragon, he showed them the relationship he chose to have.

Your perfect marriage will be defined by you and your spouse and only you and your spouse. There will be plenty of people on the outside looking in and offering their take on your relationship. From the time you say “I do,” train your spouse…and yourself to be ruled only by what you each think of your relationship. If you allow others to define your arguments for you, your relationship suffers. If you give others a foothold on the decisions that need to be made in your marriage, your relationship suffers.

To get the perfect marriage, train your spouse…and yourself, to be the ones to define what that means. Period.

Sure, I get that there is no such thing as a perfect marriage. But, all that means is that there is no marriage free of trouble. However, just as Hiccup and Toothless were able to overcome their differences and find meaning in what should have been an impossible relationship, so can you and your partner. Your marriage won’t look like anyone else’s. Your life won’t be like anyone else’s. But to train your spouse…and yourself to have the perfect marriage, you only have to know it’s perfect for the two of you. Period.

Successful marriage. Everybody wants one. However, you can’t flip through the channels without seeing some “reality” show promoting anything but. Relationships are rife with manufactured tension, intrusive family members, and wannabe friends looking for their 15 minutes of fame. While these shows are not a good look for the ideal marriage relationship, they get one thing right. If your marriage is going to succeed, you have to make sure it survives friends and family.

Successful Marriage: 4 Ways to Ensure Your Marriage Survives Friends and Family

Recently, I wrote an article that caught a lot of flack because I outlined ways to “train” your spouse for a “perfect” marriage.  Some people took issue with the word “train” and some with the word “perfect.” Needless to say, it made for a hearty discussion. As I read some of the comments, I thought, ironically, when our marriages are in the crapper, isn’t this the reason why?

In our communication with our partners, we get so stuck on one word, we fail to get the point. So we run tell that to anyone who’ll listen…well, not anyone. We talk to people who will “take our side.” They feed our negativity, our pride, and the beast determined to kill our relationships.  Before you know it, we can no longer protect the relationship we once held so dear. If you want your marriage to survive friends and family, here are four ways to make that happen.

Keep God as a fence around your relationship

Marriages fail or succeed for different reasons. But most successful marriages have a strong spiritual influence on the relationship. God is often the center and the fence. With God at the center of your relationship, we are more likely to get out of our own way.

• Harsh words are seasoned with love.
• Anger is quieted by grace.
• Pride is broken by humility.
• Selfishness is overtaken by consideration.

Just as important, with God as the fence, we work hard at keeping negative influences out.

• Don’t degrade your spouse to anyone, including your mother…or I should say, especially your mother.
• When your friend is degrading her spouse, don’t join the party.
• Pray…a lot…before you seek advice.

Don’t invite others into your business

It’s so easy to talk down our spouses when we’re angry. We find the nearest ear and vent our frustrations without regard for how that person will view our partner and our relationship. Actions have consequences. When you tear your partner down, either to or in front of others, those people will view your relationship differently. If they are your friends, they will want to take your side. And to them, taking your side includes demeaning your spouse along with you.

If you want a successful marriage, see point one. Take your frustrations, your fears, your concerns to God first. Then, after you’ve calmed down, speak to your partner with a level head and an open mind. Unless there is abuse, infidelity, or danger, do your best to keep others out.

Discuss issues with each other before anyone else.

To have a successful marriage, this point should be a given. However, oftentimes, we go to our parents or our friends before we go to our spouses to talk about stuff. Those same friends or family members remember all the other problems with our relationship and before you know it, they begin to stoke the fire designed to destroy your marriage.

Fair communication is more than just important in your marriage. It’s necessary. Your marriage thrives on communication. As issues arise in your relationship, talk to each other in a way that pleases God and uplifts your marriage. If things get heated, walk away and come back after you’ve had a good chat with God. In other words, see point one.

When asking for help, make sure it’s unbiased.

Sometimes, things go beyond what you can handle. That’s just the bottom line. You’ve prayed, you’ve talked, yet nothing is getting resolved. You’re unsure of how to move forward. One thing is certain, you want your relationship to work.

Getting counseling from a therapist or pastor is not a bad thing. Look, relationships are tough. Depending on the influences we have around us, it’s harder for some than others. But the moment we bring family and friends into the mix, we’re just making matters worse. Ask for help from people whose only desire is to see your marriage succeed.

So, what’s the bottom line? If you want your marriage to survive your friends and family, don’t invite them into your relationship, and stay out of theirs.

Source: https://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/

When it comes to dealing with conflict in marriage, the question is not if you will have conflict but when you will have conflict. After the “I do,” conflict is a necessary part of even healthy marriages because no two people will ever agree on everything. However, many couples begin to “undo” the “I do” because they misinterpret Proverbs 20:3 and make the colossal mistake of avoiding conflict at all cost. For many, it ends up costing them their marriage because they lack conflict resolution skills that won’t undo the “I do.”

Proverbs 20:3 “Avoiding a fight is a mark of honor; only fools insist on quarreling.”

This scripture does not mean that you should avoid conflict in your marriage. In fact, conflict is necessary for both partners to have balance and each gets their needs met. What it does warn against is fighting, quarreling and destroying one another with strife.

So, let’s talk about avoiding conflict with an example. I want your input on this far too common marital scenario:

A couple has been married for seven years with two children (ages 2 and 5). The first three years of their marriage were the best. They were able to purchase a new home, secure or maintain employment, go on frequent dates, have fun, and keep things spicy and sexy at home.

However, year three presented some problems after their first child was born because the wife’s role in the marriage changed dramatically. Before kids, she would cook 4 nights a week. She would clean, work a full-time job and pursue her hobbies in her free time.

After having kids, however, she found herself having little to no time to pursue her hobbies. Meanwhile, her husband somehow managed to keep his. He would occasionally “help” with the children but most of the responsibility somehow fell on her. Now, she cooks, cleans, parents, works full-time and maintains her side hustle, gives the kids their baths, helps with homework, prepares their lunch, drops kids off at school/daycare, takes them to the doctor, and the list goes on and on.

It’s year 7 now, and the wife feels as if she has completely lost herself. She loves her children dearly but misses her “me time,” fun times with her friends, and feeling sexy again as a wife. They have not taken a couples only vacation since the kids were born, infrequently date, and center too much of their conversation around household business. She is extremely unhappy, bored, and overwhelmed with her day-to-day life but loves being a wife and mother.

However, she is conflicted about what to do.

Option A: Should she bring up her unhappiness to her husband so that she can get a break? If she does, it may work! Can you imagine going shopping without kids? However, what if her husband resists and it leads to a conflict? She tried saying something earlier and her husband shut her down quickly because his mother raised four kids alone after his father left and “never complained.”

Or

Option B: Should she suck it up, embrace giving up personal needs as a necessary evil of marriage and motherhood, and avoid conflict with her husband?

What would you do?

I am sure this will create spirited debate but if you are asking a professional psychologist for twenty years, I would advise the wife to pick Option A…even though it will lead to conflict. Why?

Quite simply, “Option B” is unsustainable. Both parties in a marriage need “me time” or oxygen to survive. Psalm 25:5 refers to “my cup runneth over” which can be applied to marriage. If the mom is the cup, and her cup is empty, how can she realistically be expected to pour into her husband, children, and work without neglecting herself?

Right. She can’t.

She will eventually become overwhelmed, irritable, depressed and unhappy in the marriage. She has neglected her needs for so long that it has become a way of life; one that robs her of joy and makes her long for the good times when she used to be able to have fun.

The wives who wait to speak up tend to have a high divorce rate once the kids leave for college. Other wives lose their health, put on weight (or lose too much), and let themselves go. This is a problem because the husband often complains about her appearance or even pursues outside attention because his wife is “too busy” for him. Another set of women, eventually snap and blindside their husbands with “the talk” where they reveal how unhappy they have been for years and want separation or divorce.

Tuesday, April 3, 2018: Fix Your Marriage in 2018 with this FREE ONLINE TRAINING

What should she have done? I’m glad you asked. My twenty years experience counseling couples through conflict resolution has taught me she should:

1. Talk about marital and parenting expectations up front.
2. Engage in weekly to monthly meetings to assess the “State of the Marriage” so that a bad pattern of marriage does not become a lifestyle.
3. Initiate conflict in a loving way to discuss necessary changes that will allow both husband and wife to have a fulfilling life.

Sounds good right? The thing is that a lot of professionals will often tell you what to do but neglect training you HOW to do it.

• What exactly do you say?
• What if he won’t listen?
• What if you have mom guilt about having fun away from the kids?

I get it! That’s why I want to show you HOW TO RESOLVE CONFLICT IN YOUR MARRIAGE. You see, on the flip side, arguing too much can literally kill your marriage too. I want to help prevent that from happening for you.

There are many solutions for successfully resolving marital conflict. I cover this in a FREE online training I am doing April 3^rd at 9 pm on resolving conflict, specifically geared towards Christian marriages. I can record it for you too if you absolutely cannot make this date.

Here’s what happens next…check out this page to register and reserve your seat right now. We did this workshop a few months ago and the training was filled to capacity. So, register now.  You don’t have to spend another night going to bed angry.

Register here.

Here are two scriptures to prepare your mindset that deal with discussing faults, making adjustments, and setting conflict in marriage.

Ephesians 4:2 – Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love.

Isaiah 1:18 – “Come now, let’s settle this,” says the LORD. “Though your sins are like scarlet, I will make them as white as snow. Though they are red like crimson, I will make them as white as wool.

BMWK, What do you think? Agree with the Doc or disagree? What would you do? Go ahead, you be the marriage expert and chime in.

By Dr. Alduan Tarrt: Dr. Alduan Tartt is a clinical psychologist with a focus on faith, mental health and relationships of all sorts (single, dating, marriage, family, sports, etc.). Dr. Tartt has a private practice and also speaks frequently at conferences, churches, organizations on improving relationships, families and mental health. Dr. Tartt also hosts radio and television shows and is a frequent guest on major media outlets. Dr. Tartt also counsels other healers and helpers (pastors, ministers, doctors, entertainers) who need to be encouraged, supported and filled up.

Source: https://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/

Healthy actions during an argument help married couples during serious disagreements. If we are honest, those of us in one recognized marriage can be difficult. A couple should never lead others to believe that disagreements, inequalities, arguments, and frustration don’t exist in a lifetime commitment. Honestly speaking, sometimes, married people just don’t get along, and there’s evidence to that. There’s no need to put marriage on this pedestal where it’s a bed of roses the moment we say “I do.”

Healthy Actions During An Argument | Having A Good Talk

An Introduction To A Healthy Actions During An Argument

For some, when we disagree, there is snapping, pouting, and even screaming. With the goal being to get a point across, be understood, and occasionally be victorious, some will do whatever is necessary. However, those reactions never benefit our relationship. So, let’s discuss the healthy actions you can take to minimize the drama. The next time you quarrel with your spouse, you must stop, look, listen, and try some healthy actions instead.

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1. Make Sure It Is What You Think It Is

Get a clear understanding of the situation, and examine all of the facts prior to reacting negatively. This can happen as a result of asking clarifying questions.

2. Discuss The Situation With Your Spouse

Don’t pretend whatever it is didn’t happen. The only way to deal with an issue is to acknowledge it exists. If it hurts you, tell your spouse because, more than likely, that wasn’t the intent.

3. Question Your Initial Response First

Ask yourself, “Is what I am about to say or do reasonable, and am I possibly overreacting to the situation?”

4. Before You Respond, Start Off By Telling Your Spouse How Much You Love Him Or Her

Doing this sets the tone of the conversation and opens up both partners to have a healthy discussion.

5. If You Are Still Able To Civilly Communicate And Can Control Your Voice Levels, Take The Conversation To A New Location

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Taking a walk to the backyard, a nearby park, or a restaurant may be helpful. A change of scenery
could positively affect the mood of the situation.

6. Get Over It

Once you have decided this dispute isn’t that big of a deal, move on.

7. Be Honest About Your Contributions

Ask yourself what role you play in the problem as well as the solution.

8. Initiate The Peace By Being The Bigger Person And Apologizing First

My husband taught me this one. He would often take the lead in apologizing and making sure we got back to a happy place. Once I got over myself, I was able to do that too.

9. Look For The Lesson And Apply It

Every challenge is an opportunity to grow. Many of us miss this chance, and the cycle of confusion and conflict repeats.

Here are two scenarios of the same situation, tell me which you think would generate the best response.

“How many times have I told you to pick your socks up off the floor? Plenty! The house looks a mess, you never want to help me, and it just pisses me off! You have to clean up after yourself!”

or

“Babe, I picked your socks up off the floor in the bathroom. We have to remember our goal of keeping our home tidy, warm, and inviting. It feels good when it’s clean, don’t you think?”

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One of the conversations above will lead to a peaceful discussion or argument of the situation, while the other will immediately put your partner on the defensive. One of these is solution-focused instead of placing blame and belittling, which is the cause of a negative argument. Remember, you get more bees with honey. You must be gentle with your words, even when you’re upset or frustrated.

What other tips can you add to the list of healthy actions during an argument with your spouse? Share them in the comments section!

Marriage communication is one of the most important factors in keeping a peaceful relationship. Somewhere in the world right now, there’s a couple arguing about one of the topics I’ll discuss. And while I can’t answer any of these questions for you, effective communication in marriage and compromise are keys. To know which topics you should discuss with your spouse, read on!

Marriage Communication | What Couples Argue About

1. Can You Still Be Friends with the Opposite Sex?

Some say yes because many friendships are platonic. And, some say no because it’s a setup for infidelity or it’s disrespectful to one’s spouse. What do you think? What are the boundaries?

2. How Much Time Should You Spend with Your Single Friends?

Some will say single friends are nothing but trouble for married people because of the season they’re in and the undue influence. Others will say it doesn’t matter because friendships shouldn’t have to end once someone gets married. What’s the compromise in your mind?

3. Should You Tone Down Your Sexy?

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Some say if I work for it (or bought it), I earned the right to show off all my sexy. Others say when you become a wife or husband, you should tone it down, so as to not get that kind of attention. Y’all tell me…what do you think?

4. Are Conversations with Exes Still Okay?

Some say he or she might be an ex, but now, their relationship is strictly that of friends. Others say once you cross that line, there isn’t any un-crossing it, and being friends with your ex isn’t cool. I’m sure there isn’t a one-size-fits-all answer, but I’m interested in hearing thoughts!

5. Should You Give Your Spouse Access to All Your Social Media Accounts and Passwords to Your Phone?

Some folks think being married is not synonymous with forgoing all privacy, while others say once you’re married, there’s no privacy between spouses. I’m sure you all have some opinions on this one!

6. What Time Do You Consider as Being “Disrespectful” to Come Back Home?

If you have a boys’ or girls’ night out, is there a married person’s curfew? Some say like your mother used to say that “ain’t nothing good happening after midnight in the streets!” Is there a time that coming in after gets to be “disrespectful?”

7. How Much Time Is Too Much Time with Your Boys/Girls?

One of the things that cause lots of arguments and cause marriage communication to break down is when your spouse spends too much time with his/her squad. Well, what’s too much time? What if they still spend appropriate time with you as well. Is it still an issue?

8. Can You Still Go Out of Town Without Your Spouse?

Should you be going on girls’ and guys’ trips without your spouse? Should you be going to social events out of town without your wife or husband by your side? Some say for sure, while others don’t like it. What do you think?

9. How Much Sex Should Be Expected?

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Some people say if you get married, sex should be on the table at any time, while others say it’s unreasonable to expect sex numerous times during a week because of work, kids, responsibilities, and just being tired. How come frequency of sex seems to be such a big issue?

10. Is It Okay to Have a “Work Wife” or “Work Husband?” or Is It Out of Bounds?

Is this kosher or just off limits?

11. How Much About Marital Issues Should You Share with Family or Friends?

Some people think it’s okay to vent to parents, siblings, or friends about strife going on in the marriage, while others say everything that happens in the marriage should stay between the husband and wife “only.” This one causes all kinds of arguments, so what’s the answer?

Learn more about marriage from these four male professionals in this video by BlackDoctor.org:

So, these are the 11 controversial topics that consistently come up that require effective marriage communication around the world. And although I didn’t offer up any advice about them, I think they must be discussed. My point is that issues in marriage are more universal than we think, and you aren’t in it alone. Communicating expectations is the key. Each couple may see these things differently, but the compromise will only happen through clear communication!

What other topics can you add to the list above and how would you define effective marriage communication? Share them in the comments section!

Source: https://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/

I am always looking for new ways to breathe life into my marriage, and this is why I want to share with you the power of love affirmations. I believe that being comfortable in any part of your life, including your marriage, is a dangerous place to be. Stay out of the danger zone and use positive affirmations in your marriage to rekindle the love.

Love Affirmations to Keep the Fire Burning

In this article:

• Marriage Affirmations Keep Spouses from Taking Each Other for Granted
• Learning Love Affirmations from “War Room”
• Positive Affirmations Rekindle the Love
• 20 Marriage Affirmations to Elevate Your Relationship

Marriage Affirmations Keep Spouses from Taking Each Other for Granted

People who “fall out of love” don’t just stop loving each other overnight. It starts because they get comfortable and eventually, take one another for granted. I don’t ever want to look at my husband and wonder who he is or why we’re together. I want this love and the bond we have to last a lifetime. But, I know that it’s going to take unconditional love, prayer, and a powerful commitment to make it happen.

Learning Love Affirmations from “War Room”

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My husband and I recently watched the War Room, and I have to admit that I got checked; actually, we both did. This movie helped me realize that I didn’t have a prayer strategy in place for my marriage, specifically for my husband.

If you’re late to the game like we were, and you haven’t watched this movie, I highly recommend it! It’s a must-watch whether you’re married or not.

Positive Affirmations Rekindle the Love

I am big on reading, writing, and reciting affirmations. I have an affirmations app on my phone that sends me notifications of my favorite ones throughout the day. After watching the movie, I decided to get focused and create a prayer strategy for my husband and our marriage as well as some marriage affirmations. My hope is these affirmations help you as much as I know they’ll help me and my husband.

20 Marriage Affirmations to Elevate Your Relationship

1. My marriage grows stronger and more loving every single day.
2. My marriage is built on love, trust, and loyalty.
3. My spouse is so supportive and helpful and encourages me to follow my dreams.
4. {Insert name} and I are happier and more in love today than the day we were married.
5. My spouse loves me unconditionally and their love helps me to be a better person.
6. My wife/husband is a true blessing in my life and our marriage is a miracle.
7. My marriage is prayerful, powerful, and passionate.
8. My marriage is a joy and a gift from God.
9. I am loyal, devoted, and compassionate every day to {insert name}.
10. My spouse is one of my greatest blessings, and I will treat them with honor and respect.
11. My spouse is capable of becoming the person God created them to be.
12. We strive for greatness in our marriage and will not settle for anything less.
13. I enjoy falling in love with the same person over and over again as if for the first time.
14. I attracted the perfect mate who enjoys my presence and I accept him/her wholeheartedly.
15. I am faithful to my spouse and my spouse is faithful to me.
16. My marriage is built on a rock-solid foundation that will stand the test of time.
17. I love my spouse with all of my heart, mind, body, and soul.
18. I look forward to growing old with my spouse by my side.
19. My marriage is free from hurt, anger, and lack.
20. My marriage is full of abundance, love, and compassion.

Love affirmations are an often overlooked part of people’s marriages. We never truly say how much our partners mean to us; not enough, at least. Use these marriage affirmations and set aside some time with your spouse. Communicate with your spouse; talk to him about your concerns, worries, things you want to do, and things that make you happy. You will find that becoming more open with each other will only make your marriage stronger.

BMWK: What are some ways that you renew and reignite the bond you share with your spouse?

Source: https://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/

Bad communication can trap you inside an unhappy marriage. Find out what you can do to improve communication in your marriage here!

In this article:

1. Top Unhappy Marriage Signs
2. Our Communication Story
3. Real Talk
4. The A’s and B’s of the Four C’s
5. The 20 C’s of Effective Communication in Your Marriage
6. How to Get Started Improving Communication in Your Marriage
7. How We Turned It Around in Our Marriage

Overcoming an Unhappy Marriage with Better Communication

• Part 1 [You Are Here] – How We Went From Fussing and Fighting to Being Happily Married for 10 Years
• Part 2  –  5 Things That We Did to Improve Our Communication and Save Our Marriage
• Part 3  –  Alert: Good Communication Will Not Solve All of Your Marital Problems, But These Will

Top Unhappy Marriage Signs

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We’ve all been there:

Husband: “Honey, you look beautiful today?”

Wife: “What do you mean, ‘today?’”

Or

Wife: “Babe, you’re the best!”

Husband: “Best out of whom?”

And so it begins. Poor communication can literally ruin a relationship. It’s one of the unhappy marriage signs you should be wary of. As a wife and mother in a once struggling, blended family, I know.

So, how did we grow from an unspeakably troubled union into the nationally featured and leading voice of African-American relationships and parenting?

First, consider the following analogy:

Communication between a husband and wife is like a river. When you are able to speak freely, openly, and constructively with your spouse, everything flows smoothly.

However, like a river cluttered with debris, our relationships suffer when we avoid the important issues…

• Financial concerns
• Discipline objectives
• Intimacy needs

…and focus only on the routine matters of life:

• Dentist appointments
• Grocery shopping
• Our kid’s activities

Eventually, with enough pressure, our suppressed emotions, ideas, and thoughts come crashing through that wall. And, like a suddenly broken dam, all hell…

• Name calling
• Door Slamming
• Filthy Language
• No language

…breaks loose.

Words are flowing again…but it’s not exactly the same peaceful flowing river we previously experienced.

It is like the uncontrollable, white water rapids.

And those rapids can cause damage that will affect your intimacy and closeness with each other.

That’s why it’s important to nip communication issues in the bud before they become raging rapids.

In this article, I’m going to reveal to you the communication-based tips and techniques we used and continue to use in our marriage to be able to have effective communication which resulted in an increased level of intimacy and closeness that we could have never imagined before we got married.

Our Communication Story

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In the early days of our marriage, our communication sucked!

I was a single mother of two who was raised in a two parent home by a couple who has been married for more than forty years.

Lamar was a single man who was raised by his mom.

We entered our marriage with vastly different expectations and clearly distinct styles of communicating.

It wasn’t long before we were having problems effectively expressing our expectations and resolving differences in a healthy way.

And since every attempt at substantive communication was ineffectual, we began to avoid the tough conversations altogether.

We quickly learned: Avoiding the straight talk – those tough conversations – only delayed the inevitable.

When disciplinary issues arose, the fights came with them. When differences in opinion came down, we threw our hands up.

Our communication was barely existent. Our intimacy was in turmoil. Our marriage began to crumble.

We had to find a solution. Fast.

Real Talk

May I be honest with you?

Most of the couples that we talk to say they are having communication problems in their marriages.

In our line of work, we are privileged to speak, either live or via the web, with hundreds (if not thousands) of couples each year. A recent webinar poll revealed this shocking reality:

OVER 72% OF PARTICIPANTS WERE HAVING COMMUNICATION PROBLEMS.
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And you know what else they said?

We’ve read books and we are trying to do everything right…but my spouse and I are still having problems communicating.

You know what I told them…

You’re not doing enough.

I know that sounds harsh, but it’s the truth.

The A’s and B’s of the Four C’s

If you’re reading this, and great communication is an issue for you and your spouse, then by now you may have heard of the Four C’s of Effective Communication:

1. Comprehensiveness – can your message be understood?
2. Credibility – is your message credible and can it be backed up by data?
3. Connectivity – can your intended audience connect with your message…does it invoke emotion?
4. Contagiousness – is your message contagious… and will it stick with your intended audience?

Utilizing this technique may set you on the right path. But it may not get you to your desired destination.

What is that desired destination?
It’s being able to talk to your spouse about anything and everything at any time. Am I right?
You want to have regular conversations with your spouse.
You want to share what’s on your mind: your deepest secrets, your most pressing concerns, and your most embarrassing moments.
You want to argue or disagree with your spouse without it becoming an all-out brawl that leaves you feeling hurt or, even worse, wanting to leave your marriage.
You want to laugh, cry, and be vulnerable with your spouse and feel close enough to sincerely share tender moments.
You want to know that your spouse knows your heart. So that even when you don’t have the right words to say, your spouse knows exactly how you feel at that moment.
At the most basic level, you want to know that your spouse gets you.

The 20 C’s of Effective Communication in Your Marriage

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While talking is important for effective communication, researchers estimate that when a person is discussing what they like or dislike, approximately 60% of that communication is non-verbal.

While what you say is important, so is how you say it, when you say it, and the attitude with which you say it.

And this is how we know that there are so many more components that factor into effective communication in a marriage. In fact, we say there are 20 C’s of Effective Communication in Marriage:

1. Consideration – you must be considerate of your spouse’s feelings when talking to them.
2. Control – you should exercise self-control when you are communicating with your spouse. Going “ham” and saying things that you will regret later is not acceptable.
3. Coordination – when trying to have the tough conversations, it’s important to coordinate with your spouse. When you choose to bring up topics is just as important as how you choose to tell them.
4. Consciousness – it’s important to be conscious of your verbal and non-verbal cues when communicating with your spouse. Are you saying one thing, but your actions are saying something different?
5. Concentration – when your spouse is speaking, you should intentionally concentrate on what is being said in an effort to understand rather than on what you are going to say next.
6. Comfort – you and your spouse should create a safe space to express yourselves without fear of retribution and feel comfortable enough to tell each other anything (good or bad).
7. Connection – It’s hard to communicate with a person that you are not emotionally connected with. Ensuring emotional connection is important.
8. Cuddling – physically touching (holding hands, sitting close, touching knees) when you are having conversations with your spouse (especially the tough ones) helps to keep the situation under control.
9. Calmness – when things get heated, remember to call a time-out until you are able to calm down.
10. Complaining – yes, that is right…complain. We are not asking you to avoid the tough conversations (as that would build resentment). We are, however, asking you to be mindful in how you address your issues.
11. Coaching – talking comes naturally for most people, but being able to effectively communicate with your spouse will take extra effort. You will need to practice your communication skills over and over again until they improve.
12. Caring – you can be the best communicator in the world, but it will mean nothing if you are selfish and if you are manipulative.
13. Candor – being open, honest, and sincere is the only way to go. A lack of trust can severely hamper communication.
14. Confidence – believe it or not, a large part of your communication success has to do with mindset. Are you confident that things will improve and get better? Or, are you certain that things will stay the same or get worse? Your thoughts have the ability to influence your actions. If you expect a disagreement, there will probably be one.
15. Change – you come into marriage with certain expectations and so does your spouse. Therefore, you will need to be flexible and open to adjusting those expectations.
16. Compromise – when things get tough, are you able to cut a deal? Can you work together to find a solution that works for the both of you?
17. Choice – you can choose to always address your spouse in a loving way, even during those times when you are not feeling so loving.
18. Counseling – sometimes you need a qualified 3^rd party to help you through the challenges you can’t resolve on your own – therapist, coach, mentor, pastor, or trusted friend or family member.
19. Commitment – you can’t improve the communication in your marriage on your own. You both have to be committed to the process of understanding each other and working on a communication process that works best for your relationship.
20. Companionship – this goes hand-in-hand with commitment. One of the joys of being married is the partnership. Your spouse needs to know that you’re on their team, you have their back, and they can come to you with anything.

Wow, that seems like a lot…no wonder people are having communication problems in their marriages.

But, I believe that most people are already doing, or have the capacity to do, more than 80% of the items on the list.

Just think about how you apply the 20 C’s of effective communication in your jobs.
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In our everyday lives, we are able to communicate effectively with people or co-workers. And sometimes we don’t even like those people.

But we do it.

We schedule time to talk about issues (meetings)…

We compromise…

We’re flexible and we make changes…

We remain calm…

We work on solutions…

We’re attentive and we take notes…

We refrain from name calling…

We refrain from neck and eye-rolling (or at least we try to)…

We remain committed even if we hate what we’re being asked to do…

We get up every day, we go to work and try again…

And we do all of this because the alternative to losing our jobs is not desirable to us.

But isn’t the alternative of losing your marriage much worse than losing a job?

How to Get Started Improving Communication in Your Marriage

Most people are not born with an innate ability to effectively communicate with anyone, much less in a marriage.

If you want to have healthy, open and honest communication in your marriage, you will have to work on it.

But, where should you start?

• First, have honest discussions about the state of communication in your marriage – what works, and what’s not working.
• Begin to put in the work to identify what needs to be done to ensure each person feels clearly understood.

This doesn’t happen overnight; you will need to be intentional about obtaining the right skills and setting the time aside to work on your unhappy marriage.

This is why we’ve created the BMWK Effective Communication (Online Training) – a five-part training led by BMWK communication expert Emma J. Wallace, M.Ed., LAPC, NCC (includes exercises and worksheets) that will show you how to quickly start changing the communication in your marriage so you can make things better.

How We Turned It Around in Our Marriage

Today, I can tell my spouse anything and I feel confident that we will eventually come to a place of resolution.

I say eventually because we don’t always agree. But I can confidently say that we are always looking for ways to accommodate each other.

I no longer worry about being right…what matters is whether my spouse is OK.

Getting to this point took a lot of work on both of our parts.

Like us, you don’t have to be trapped in an unhappy marriage. By implementing the tools and tips shared by our BMWK Effective Communication (Online Training), you too can learn how to get out of an unhappy marriage and right into a happy one!

And the best part of this is you can receive this training from the comfort and privacy of your own home.

Source: https://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/

The difference between couples who have great communication in relationships and those who can’t seem to talk about anything without fussing and fighting is action. Sounds simple, doesn’t it? But it is this difference that matters most. You have to work hard to fix what seems to be destroying your relationship through proper communication. To know how to achieve a healthy communication in relationships, read on.

In this article:

1. Benefits of Healthy Communication in Relationships
2. Intention
3. Transparency
4. Plans
5. Knowing Each Other
6. Getting Help

How to Improve Communication in Relationships | 5 Things to Focus On

This is Part 2 of a 3-part series on improving communication in your marriage:

• Part 1 – How We Went From Fussing and Fighting to Being Happily Married for 10 Years…
• Part 2 [You Are Here] – 5 Things We Did to Improve Our Communication and Save Our Marriage
• Part 3 – Alert: Good Communication Will Not Solve All of Your Marital Problems, But These Will

Benefits of Healthy Communication in Relationships

Most people don’t come into a marriage knowing how to effectively communicate with their spouse. They haven’t been taught communication skills. In fact, more often than not, they’ve learned how to communicate from the bad examples of relationships they saw growing up.

Couples who recognize that communication is indeed an issue and then seek to intentionally make improvements are reaping the benefits.

What are those benefits?

• Speaking freely and openly with your spouse.
• Sharing your most private thoughts in a safe place.
• Voicing your concerns when issues arise.
• Knowing that those concerns and issues are being addressed.

1. Intention

Having pure intentions in saving our marriage through communication has helped us work things out. We were intentional by prioritizing communication with each other every day. Regardless of how busy we are, we see to it to communicate regularly. We made this our top priority.

2. Transparency

As a couple, we were transparent and real. We were able to create a safe place to share our thoughts. No judgments. No small things. Every event in our life is a big deal that must be shared with each other. Being transparent with your partner is where trust and communication in relationships go hand-in-hand.

3. Plans

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We learned how to make plans for handling issues when they arise. We weren’t caught off guard when mishaps knocked on our door because we have plans for storms like these. Sure, it wasn’t always easy, but a lack of communication will make it so much harder than it ever was. Communicating with each otherhelped us dodged bullets.

4. Knowing Each Other

Through communication, I got to know my spouse even better. I was able to identify my partner’s likes and dislikes, secret desires and fears, and many other remarkable details. In the long run, these are the things that made me love my spouse more and more each day.

5. Getting Help

We got the help we needed from resources and experts on how to improve our communication. While some couples may think that asking help from others can make them look weak, you have to put your ego aside and talk to people you trust, even professionals. Seek help if this is what can help you improve your communication with your spouse.

Watch this video to know what we did to turn things around in our marriage and improve the communication:

And for every one of these positive actions that we took towards improving communication in relationships, we got one step closer to each other. We got there and you can too. In our BMWK Effective Communication (Online Training),we’ll show you how to master the art of communication in your marriage. Through expert-led instruction, you’ll learn exactly how to have a healthy, open, and honest communication in your marriage.

Do you agree with our ways on how to improve communication in relationships? Tell us in the comments section below!

Source: https://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/

We’ve exposed the ugly truth when it comes to conflict resolution strategies, and it’s changing marriages. If you believe good communication is the best conflict resolution to solve ALL of your marital problems, you’re sadly mistaken. We hear from couples all the time that they are doing everything in their power to work on their communication, but things are just not changing in their marriages. If you want to know how to really solve your marriage problems, then read on for some conflict management styles that are more than just communicating with each other.

In this article:

1. Learning Conflict Resolution
2. Until You’re Blue in the Face
3. Taking Our Blinders Off
4. Forming a United Front
5. Getting Educated

Using Conflict Resolution Strategies to Fix Your Marital Issues

This is Part 3 of a 3-part series on improving communication in your marriage:

• Part 1 – How We Went from Fussing and Fighting to Being Happily Married for 10 Years…
• Part 2 – 5 Things that We Did to Improve Our Communication and Save Our Marriage
• Part 3 [You Are Here] – Alert: Good Communication Will Not Solve All of Your Marital Problems, But These Will

Learning Conflict Resolution

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Wondering why communication alone can’t fix your marital problems? That’s because you have to do more than just saying the right words, rephrasing your words so your spouse understands, or picking the right time and place to talk.

If you’re going to solve your marital problems, you have to develop conflict resolution skills by considering the actions below:

• Focus on conflict resolution strategies.
• Make sure your actions are lining up with your words.
• Have consideration for your spouse’s feelings.
• Have an understanding of your own feelings and needs.
• Change your mindset and your thought processes.
• Go beyond the words and understand body language and actions (non-verbal cues).

Until You’re Blue in the Face

Just think about it. You and your spouse could have very strong but different opinions on parenting and discipline, on religion, and on handling the finances. And no matter how many times your spouse explains their point of view (they can talk until they are blue in the face), you are not going to change yours.

This scenario played out so many times in our marriage, especially after we were first married. You see, we have a blended family where I brought two kids into the marriage, and then we quickly had two more kids. Lamar and I did not see eye-to-eye on how to discipline the children. We wanted the same things, but we had very different methods of getting there. And it was causing a lot of strife within our marriage.

Finally, it all came to head one day when we were having a very heated argument over the kids. (A lot of tears were shed.) But thank God on that day, we made a commitment to each other to turn our marriage around. On that day in our bedroom, we decided to do whatever it takes to have the happy marriage we both desired and turned our marriage around by resolving our issues.

1. Taking Our Blinders Off

The first thing we had to do was to admit we had a problem. Seeing that our home isn’t perfect opened our eyes to the truth that we need help. Regardless of your efforts in building a perfect marriage, there are uncontrollable things that come our way. With these, we need to get the help we need. Our friends, family members, and even licensed marriage counselors– these are some of the people who helped us have a better relationship.

2. Forming a United Front

We decided to work together as a team on all things, especially in front of our kids and extended family. What our children see creates a great impact on the understanding. So, we decided to be a team at all times. Doing this helped us get closer to each other.

3. Getting Educated

We didn’t know how to be a blended family, so we got the help we needed from marriage resources and experts. We attended marriage conferences and retreats and we socialized with other married couples. Doing these allowed us to learn from their experiences and we were able to share our story with them as well.

Learn more about how to be a great team as a couple and live a happier life as a married couple by watching this video from us:

Being able to effectively communicate definitely helped us to connect. However, to turn our marriage around, we had to go beyond communication and make some serious changes with the help of these conflict resolution strategies. With these helpful suggestions, may you resolve your marital issues and reduce your conflicts like us and live better with your spouse.

BMWK Family – We want to create a shift in marriages across the globe by helping couples just like you with your marital communication. We’re doing this with our BMWK Effective Communication (Online Training). It’s a self-paced online training that connects couples with expert instruction that will support, equip and encourage healthy verbal and non-verbal communication. And the best part about it is you’ll receive this training from the comfort of your own home as you make your communication better.

Do you have anything else to add to our couples’ conflict resolution strategies? Let us know in the comments section below, BMWK!

Source: https://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/

I was at a restaurant not too long ago and saw an older couple. Maybe in their late 70s or early 80s, there was an air of serenity about them that bespoke decades of life and love together. They ate in comfortable silence, but somehow I just felt they were conveying something beyond words. As they walked out holding hands, I couldn’t help but wonder. What’s their secret? We hear often about how difficult marriage can be, so love that lasts a lifetime must have a secret, right?

To find out what the secret sauce might be, I posed the question to a few of my married friends. I got some great responses including communication, respect, honesty, vulnerability, and friendship. But there was one answer that stood out – be intentional.

Let’s give this some thought. Regardless of arena, success is achieved through intentional behavior. It doesn’t matter if you’re an athlete, a doctor, a blogger, or an artist. And, marriage is no different.

When your intentions are pure, so too will be your success. Charles F. Glassman

The thing about marriage, though, is that it ebbs and flows in one area in particular – communication. How often do you get into it with your spouse over some misunderstanding, misinformation, misrepresentation, or miscalculation? Typically, all of those “misses” can be traced back to some aspect of failed communication with one or both parties claiming, “I didn’t intend to make you feel that way.”

So, let’s take a look at intentional communication and see where it leads.

In this article:

• Intentionally Respectful Communication
• Intentionally Honest Communication
• Intentionally Vulnerable Communication
• Intentionally Spiritual Communication
• Intentionally Intimate Communication

Intentionally Respectful Communication

Every couple argues. Some have some knock-down drag-outs. Others prefer the passive aggressive method. But to protect the heart and soul of your marriage, it’s important to be respectful when speaking to or otherwise communicating with your spouse. Don’t hit below the belt. Don’t demoralize them. No matter the topic, make it your intention to be respectful.

Intentionally Honest Communication

If you start out with the intention of respecting your spouse and your marriage, then being honest should be less stressful. Honesty gives your partner the opportunity to really know how you think. But when you dip it in some respect, it teaches them to listen to you. The “I just tell it like it is” attitude is nothing more than an excuse to be mean. To have a mature relationship that lasts, it will serve you well to keep Ephesians 4:15 close to the heart and “speak the truth in love.”

Intentionally Vulnerable Communication

This is probably one of the most challenging things to embrace in a marriage. Why? Because society tells a man that being vulnerable means he’s soft. As for a woman, it means she’s being manipulative. However, to the successfully married couple, it means they are allowing their spouse to enter a space where only they and God reside. They then create a bond of trust that they have reason to fight and protect every day.

Intentionally Spiritual Communication

One of the deeper aspects of vulnerability lies in our spiritual selves. I have my own personal relationship with God. My husband has his. But taking the time to share with each other where and how God is moving our hearts is the only way to strengthen our chord of three strands. By being intentional, you and your spouse ensure that God keeps His position at the head of your relationship.

Intentionally Intimate Communication

This one is fairly simple. No one else gets to call you “Babe.” No one else gets to put it on you. No one else gets to send you sensual text messages. No one else gets to talk dirty to you on the phone. I could go on, but I’m sure you get the point. Your marriage is the only place this form of communication takes place if it’s to last a lifetime. Unless you are hot and ready teenagers with raging hormones, you have to be intentional about it. Period.

Download this infographic now and reference it later.

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Watch and share this video about the tips for a happy marriage:

Now, I don’t know if being intentional is the secret sauce to a happy marriage. In fact, my friend believes that the secret is there is no secret.  One thing is certain. If you intend to have a bad marriage, you will. If you intend to have one that lasts a lifetime, nothing will keep you from it.

BMWK, what do you think is in the secret sauce of a happy marriage?

Source: https://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/

One of the most effective ways couples can achieve marital peace is learning the skill of resolving marriage conflict. As you can imagine, two imperfect people will definitely generate disagreement, frustration and, yes, conflict in a relationship. When you marry, you bring your flaws, a little of the past, and a moderate amount of baggage. In that baggage is the hurt others have caused, your un-forgiveness, and the triggers that remind you of just how hard-nosed you have to be.

In this article:

• Plan Your Words
• Learn to Listen
• Practice Power of the Pause

Resolving Marriage Conflict | 3 Ways to Achieve Marital Peace

The natural instinct of most individuals is to defend. When you find yourself in those heated moments, you don’t always know the best way to handle yourself. Typically, during disagreements, tempers flare, harmful words are exchanged, and people shut down.

However, the best option is to first try to defuse the argument. Defuse usually comes as a result of you wanting and needing to do better in the handling of the difficulties that surface in your relationships. It’s really about removing some of the sting by being mindful of the language and behaviors you choose to display. There are several ways to defuse a situation, but a great place to begin is with the following:

Plan Your Words

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When trying to resolve conflict, carefully consider what should happen next with words and actions. Planning the conversation is a critical piece. Knowing what you’re going to say prior to saying it, is an absolute must. In this area, being selective with your words and body language allows you to have better emotional control in that moment.

Learn to Listen

Although there are valid points you want to address in situations like the ones listed above, you must focus on your ability to listen. Listening— really listening—means you set aside your agenda and open yourself up to another point of view.

Practice Power of the Pause

This last method is key to resolving marriage conflict and achieving marital peace because it encourages individuals to take a step back before things get too heated. This necessary pause allows there to be some space between your emotions and actions. Whenever you start to hear something you don’t like or is opposite of your views, it’s important to pause before you simply react.

When emotions take control, you are unable to think as rationally as you would otherwise. You might be more prone to be hurtful. Thinking of the consequences by playing out that whole scenario will provide the awareness needed to maintain control over yourself. The thinking should be, “If I say this, here’s what will happen.” If what will happen is not the intended goal, a different action has to
occur.

If you’re yelling, you are no longer listening, nor being listened to.

The bottom line is, if you’re yelling, you are no longer listening, nor being listened to. When you fail to discuss what is on your mind, it only builds up and causes even more hostility later on, and being purposefully hurtful leads to wounds that are hard to heal.

Your goal during conflict is not to win; it’s to get your point across, listen for your partner’s point, and meet up somewhere in the middle with a reasonable solution. The benefit in being the peacemaker is that you have the power to lead the conversation and situation back to a happy space.

How do we forgive those who have hurt us? Watch this video from THE BEAT by Allen Parr:

BMWK, are you ready to effectively defuse your arguments?

Source: https://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/

Has your spouse ever ticked you off? I don’t know anyone who can honestly answer “no” to that question. We are all human and being angry (or getting someone else angry) is about as normal as it gets. It’s part of the human experience. But, as you probably know, the people you love most have the greatest capacity to get under your skin. And nothing can make your skin crawl as much as when your spouse ticks you off.

In this article:

1. Take a time-out
2. Separate your actions from your emotions
3. See the Opportunity

3 Things You Should Do When Your Spouse Ticks You Off

Is there something wrong with getting angry with your spouse? Not at all. Anger is a natural and healthy human emotion. Typically we feel anger because we feel like something has happened that just isn’t fair. I know it sounds so basic, but it’s true. We get angry because our spouse doesn’t help with the chores. We get angry because we think our spouse is having an affair. We get angry because our spouse did something they said they would never do. We get angry because our spouse isn’t supporting our dreams in the way we’d like. No matter how you slice it, it’s usually about some type of perceived injustice.

So in our angry moments, can we just flip out on our spouse to get the anger out of our systems? I don’t think so. I mean sure, flipping out may serve as a release and give you momentary satisfaction, but flipping out rarely brings you any closer to resolving the anger you feel and it definitely does nothing for your relationship.

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By now you are probably wondering, so what do I do when my spouse ticks me off? Here are a few suggestions that may help. They aren’t easy fixes so don’t think of them that way. Rather, these are healthy ways to help you manage your anger and defuse a potentially ugly situation. I hope they help.

Take a Time-Out

Do you know why some people give their kids time-outs? Because a time-out gives them an opportunity to calm down and reflect after making a bad judgment call. When you feel like you are angry with your spouse, your best bet is to take some time to calm down and reflect on what your anger is really about. This doesn’t mean you should let your anger stew for a week while your spouse remains in the dark. It just means you should take a moment to breathe, pray and get your mind right before you make your next move.

Separate Action from Your Emotions

Just because you are fuming doesn’t mean you can throw stuff, destroy things and do whatever you want. Your anger is not a free pass to act like a fool (although I know it can be tempting). Letting emotions direct your actions can lead to a lot of regret. Give yourself time to process the anger before you make a decision about how to act on it. You have the right to feel what you feel, but it does not give you the right to do anything you want to do.

See the Opportunity

I know this may sound crazy, but when your spouse ticks you off, it’s actually an opportunity to improve your relationship. Getting ticked off usually means there are some underlying issues that need to be addressed. Don’t brush it under the rug. Use this moment as a chance to calmly address why you are ticked off and determine what can change to help improve the quality of your relationship. Anger is actually the emotion that is most often used as an agent of change, so go for it.

BMWK Family, what do you do when your spouse ticks you off?

Source: https://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/

The longer I am married, going on 17 years now, the more I am convinced that tying the knot is not meant for the weak at heart or the weak minded. A good marriage takes the kind of work that requires each individual to be all in…for life. Ask anyone who’s been successfully married for a while and they will tell you that communication is the driving force behind their continued union. Put another way, to change the course of your marriage that’s heading south, openness is not up for debate.

In this article:

1. Emotional openness
2. Physical openness
3. Intellectual openness

While communication is a key aspect of keeping the love strong, it’s important to strengthen one of its most challenging concepts – openness. The quality of your openness with your spouse can make or break your relationship. In fact, the rise or fall of your marriage lies squarely in your ability to grasp real transparency.

3 Reasons Openness Can Change the Course of Your Marriage

In its purest form, communication requires the kind of vulnerability that people fear. When it comes to your spouse, fully letting your hair down, if you will, can seriously make cowards of us all. But it is one of the greatest ways you and your Bae can ensure a lifetime of trust and ultimately love. Even if your relationship seems doomed, there are three ways you can be open with your spouse that has the potential to truly change the course of your marriage.

Emotional Openness

Men and women bring a plethora of life experiences to their union when they decide to get married. The effect these experiences will have in your marriage won’t be easy to determine beforehand. However, you can take preemptive action to prevent a fallout if a negative situation is triggered.

To set your marriage up to win, you must each be willing to vulnerably share the pain you feel and how your partner can help you move forward when you’ve been hurt. Taking the relationship higher will mean taking the conversations deeper. Surface conversations are no longer your friend. Making emotional headway also means you may be ashamed or embarrassed by what you share. This type of transparency is an important catalyst in deepening the trust between you as a couple. As a result, you will be rewarded with a healthier and stronger bond.

Physical Openness

It may seem a bit weird, but physical openness in a relationship can be a big deal if it’s not handled well. We all have insecurities about our bodies. We’re too fat. We’re too skinny. Big forehead. Flat butt. Too short. Too tall. Big nose. Crooked teeth. The list is never-ending.  Unfortunately, our insecurities about our self-image can bring unnecessary tension to the relationship if we fail to be open about them. I don’t mean in a self-deprecating way either. Instead, be open about the physical shortcomings that bother you the most and tell your spouse why.

• Perhaps you were teased as a kid about your nose.
• Maybe you’ve always carried a little more fat than you’d like
• Or, maybe the jokes about your teeth are the reason you now refuse to smile

Whatever it may be, revealing your physical insecurities helps your spouse know one more way to encourage you. As that happens, you will learn to set aside any doubts you have about how they see you and you learn to love yourself even more.

Intellectual Openness

Sharing your mind and your way of thinking is an incredible bridge builder in a relationship. By giving your partner the opportunity to know how you think, you can open the door to communication and understanding even wider. To change the course of your marriage, understanding you intellectually serves many purposes:

• You become easier to approach
• It removes the guessing game from the relationship
• It gives you both a chance to affirm and reaffirm your compatibility
• Conversations are way more fun

The ability to talk to each other intelligently leads to a deeper understanding of the heart. When you know the things that are most important to your spouse’s heart, you can develop and implement ways to serve it, encourage it, and protect it.

No one said that marriage would be easy. But to make it great, openness is a must. No matter where your relationship is today, you can give it a fighting chance by laying your heart, mind, and body on the table and trust your spouse to take care of it all.

BMWK, are you ready to really be open with your spouse?

Source: https://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/

The relationship between my wife and I was a long distance one for our entire courting and engagement season. There is good news and bad news about being in a long distance relationship. The good news is you are forced to learn how to communicate. The bad news is you only see each other every so often. But, because of the distance, conversation starters came somewhat easy. I will say the strongest area of our marriage now is communication, which is a direct result of the hours spent on phone calls, face time, and Skype.

Now that we are married we still continue to use some of the methods that helped us achieve that great level of open communication.

21 Conversation Starters to Help Couples Struggling to Communicate

In this article:

1. The importance of communication in marriage
2. Conversation starters to get your marriage moving

The Importance of Communication in Marriage

Many people have different ideas about what is most important in a marriage. For some couples, it may be intimacy. Another couple might say finances. While still another might say spirituality. Oddly, while true, all of the above include a dire need for proper communication.

Intimacy requires communication. What couples do with their money requires communication. The spiritual health of marriage requires communication. Unfortunately, many couples are unsure of how to talk about these topics. Well, we’ve got some conversation starters that might help.

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Conversation Starters to Get Your Marriage Moving

Here are 21 discussion questions you and your significant other can use to help strike up a good conversation.

1. What is your favorite childhood memory?
2. Describe your family growing up with one word, Why?
3. Which year did you have the best birthday? Why?
4. What are you passionate about?
5. What makes you angry? Why?
6. How do you handle stress?
7. What was your lowest point in life?
8. What’s a highlight in your life?
9. What do you consider as self-care?
10. What is your current status with God?
11. Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
12. When you hear the word fun what comes to mind?
13. If you were stranded on an island what 5 items would you have with you?
14. If you could get paid to study a topic what would it be?
15. What lessons did you learn from your previous relationships?
16. Name 3 words would you use to describe life right now?
17. What is your favorite day of the week? Why?
18. What makes you unique?
19. What are you fearful of?
20. Do you have any family traditions you want to continue doing?
21. Who are you closest to in your family?

These discussion questions are a great diving board into some awesome conversation that is sure to help you learn more about one another. Don’t give surface answers, but try to dig deep to give an answer that helps not only your significant other but also yourself.]

BMWK, What are some other conversation starters you and your significant other use? 

Source: https://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/

Quite a few of the conversations and comments that surface as a result of the articles posted here on BMWK typically focus on something a spouse is or isn’t doing. This, of course, always leaves one spouse feeling frustrated and challenged on how to not only discuss it but also repair it. A number of couples struggle with knowing how to properly discuss the trials that arise in their relationships. In fact, talking about what’s bothering you in your relationship is almost an art form.

5 Easy Tips for Talking About What’s Bothering You In Your Relationship

In this article:

1. 1. Be true to yourself
   2. Speak the way you desire to be spoken to
   3. Recognize the desired outcome
   4. Express what you are feeling
   5. Clarity is key

There have been several comments from individuals who are at their wit’s end and almost to a point where walking away is an option. It is usually a spouse who feels they have given, sacrificed and done everything necessary to make their relationship work but their partner hasn’t put forth any of the work needed. My question always becomes what conversations or actions have transpired or need to occur (on the part of both partners) to generate the transformation they hope to see.

Addressing the problems in a marriage is no easy feat. Here are 5 tips to get you started.

Be True to Yourself

Your spouse isn’t perfect, but neither are you. As such, it is always best to start a difficult conversation by confessing any negative behaviors you’ve contributed. Take an honest assessment of your faults and be prepared to make any necessary changes.

 Speak to your partner the same way you want to be spoken to.

Think about how you best receive information. Now think about how your spouse best receives information. Ask yourself questions like:

1. When is my partner the most responsive?”
2. “What causes them to shut down?”
3. “What makes my mate feel comfortable enough to hear me out completely?”

Most People tend to stop listening to a person they feel is always blaming them for something. Discussions always work best when there isn’t finger pointing.

Recognize the desired outcome.

What would you like to happen as a result of your conversation with your spouse? If your hope is that your mate has a clearer understanding of your needs, determine the best way for you to deliver that information. Is it through a letter or during a heart-to-heart conversation? It is helpful to work backwards so to speak. Remember, the point is to be talking about what’s bothering you in your relationship. If you know the goal, it’s easier to line your actions to match that goal.

Express why the situation has affected you the way it has.

Our partners are more likely to take action if they are able to understand the concern a certain situation or challenge has on us. The only way they will know is if we tell them. In a trusted partnership it is okay to be completely vulnerable. Allow your mate to fully enter your world. Sharing your feelings and most personal thoughts and emotions provides that needed insight.

Enter into the conversation with clarity.

Forget what you think will happen, even if it may have been how things have turned out in the past. Expect a positive result. In order to do that you must make sure you have no hidden agendas. When you begin talking about what’s bothering you in your relationship, it’s so that you can be vulnerable and clear about what your needs are.

Relationships, marriages in particular, do not come with a manual. There isn’t a right or wrong way to have a relationship. There is, however, an effective way to communicate. Whenever we feel like we are putting more effort into our relationship than our spouse we must talk about. If we feel like our mate takes us for granted or never listens to us, we must talk about it. In addition to talking we must make sure we are actively listening as well. Keep in mind positive communication works both ways.

BMWK, what would you add to this list? How have you discussed the challenges in your relationship with your spouse?

Source: https://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/